What I go through...

When I was younger I would spend hours and hours in my room playing office. When I was in second grade, I was asked what I wanted for my birthday and I told my Dad that I wanted a file cabinet. So down to the Hardware store we went and my Dad bought me a file cabinet. I still have it. Most kids hang on to a keepsake teddy bear and I have a file cabinet. No plush adorable childhood playmate to still snuggle with from time to time, I have a cold, metal file cabinet from 1968 sitting down in the basement. I remember that I also had my Dad get me two stick on letters (the kind you would put on your mail box) I chose “A” and “B”. “A” ofcourse was adhered to the top drawer and “B” to the bottom drawer.
It amazes me that this file cabinet above anything and everything has followed me through my life.
Part of me feels that it represents my ADD in some regards. The fact that I was concerned about organizing at that young age and then GOT the file cabinet and never really knew how to truly utilize it... filing... another chapter... I feel like I just want to toss it!
But I don't know if I can. Sometimes I think, symbolically it would be an amazing thing to be able to do.

So my days of playing office led to my obsessing over my school notebooks. I never could stand anything to be bent, torn, scribbled on, smeared ink... there have been times that I would just up and toss the entire notebook because the cover was bent or damaged. It's weird, but that is what goes on in my head.

I feel like the stucture of how my brain works is hindered. It's like being crippled in some regards that I can only get past a certain point when going after something, daily things that everyone has to do, for me are very difficult because the way my brain is wired hinders me. I crave order, I like predictability, I like things neat and in a row. Normally this is a good thing, people are impressed with such a thing but for me, it's more compulsion. But it's not OCD. It could be but what happens is my ADD smashes any possibility of that. Whenever I see stuff out of order or a mess on the table or a pile of papers, instead of diving in and systematically putting it in order, my instinct is to just shove it off into a corner.

I actually believe that if I could ALLOW a bit of OCD to filter in it might actually HELP me!

For years I have described a membrane force field that exists between me and the view I have of my life. I have always felt that I could see out there what I wanted but there was this plastic, rubbery see through membrane between myself and my reality. There was even a cloned me who I watched carry on with my life as I sat frustrated that the “other” me was out there fucking everything up.

If friends and family were to hear me say I feel unaccomplished they would laugh at me. I have done quite a lot of things but I always felt that I never got to the point with those projects where I would have been impressed, proud... Everything I have ever done has only gotten SO far.

Because of this I am haunted by the “what could have been's” bouncing around in my head, or more so just sort of sitting in the back, grumpy and smoking cigarettes and telling me that I am a failure. I want to turn around to those voices and tell them to shut up. I don't dare confront them because the sad thing is I BELIEVE them.

Yesterday, Jason and I were out at the Mall and I was telling him of my friend Julia and what a positive influence she always has been with me. I told him how I loved being with her and absorbing that wonderful energy she always had. (She still has it!) “Anything I ever told her I wanted to do, she was so supportive.” I told Jason. ” When she was living in New York, she would say, ‘Robbie... the city is our oyster and WE are the pearls.” We sat in silence for a second or two and Jason said, “but you never believed her did you.” I didn't. That was the sad thing. I NEVER believed her. I wanted to, but like that membrane thing, I felt I was on one side and THEY, the successful people were on the other side. Something was always gettting in my way.

A tangible thing that can help me see the way I get stuck is the “TO DO LIST”.
I hear those words and I feel like I own them.
When I hear others talking about THEIR lists I almost get a little jealous.
To me, this list, the method of this list is WHERE I get stuck.
Before “Dayplanners” came along I never even knew what a “TO DO LIST” was. I knew of a shopping list. I MADE lists in my journal. But when I started getting into Planners and saw words like “PRIORITIZED DAILY TASK LISTS” I got caught in some kind of spell. It became all about creating a perfect list, jam packed with all manner of GREAT ideas and things to ACCOMPLISH. But I would obsess over how the list would look, how I would create it, finding the perfect planner to create it in, finding a SYSTEM to help me do this. I would spend hours exploring all kinds of software... I would spend hundreds of dollars on this concept alone. And once I would have my “system”, I would get distracted, think it was because the list wasn't quite right and thought that getting a new kind of list, spending more time re-inventing the list, THEN and only THEN would my life suddenly get on track.

Well, the train has left. I am still at the station.
Like my file cabinet, this list concept perhaps could be something I should also let go of. NOT abandon, but STOP holding onto it so tightly. Nothing gets done. It seems to be more comforting for me to dwell on the list and not on the reality. It is so much EASIER to write down a task then to actually do it. Part of me almost feels that by writing it down I have DONE it. Yet, I am behind in my work, in my life. I see time passing by and I feel helpless.

So what can I do?
My instinct tells me to just not dwell on it.
LET GO of systems. Pretend that they don't exist. Perhaps the problem is that I have SURPASSED the need for systems but don't believe it. I could actually MANAGE WITHOUT a list.

My friend Sam told me that he thinks my being scattered could actually be an asset. He told me that sometimes a persons weakness could also be one of their greatest strengths.

Am I crazy?

Having ADD or ADHD is irritating just in the fact that you have to HAVE something. I HAVE ADD. When I would start to tell people I had ADD (During happy hour yesterday, I announced to a bunch of Jason's co-workers that I had an ADD blog) I would feel stupid. I would feel like I was sporting the latest and coolest THING to have. I just assumed that with all the psycho babble mumbo jumbo flying around these days, people would assume that I had self described myself as having ADD and that it was just an excuse for being lazy or rude or both...

“Oh, I'm sorry... I know I was babysitting your two year old and she's now lost... but, well, I have ADD... sorry.”
“Oh... did the house just burn down? Oops! Well, I have ADD...”
“I know, I wasn't paying attention, we should have gone south instead of north... so this is Canada?”

On a serious level, there are MANY times that Jason has apparantly told me some information, nescessary info and I didn't hear him. It was and is VERY frustrating for him. Just now, I was going through a huge stack of papers and shit on my desk and I found (so far) TWO letters to him that got shuffled into MY pile somehow or another. One of them was a birthday card unopened. I knew he would be mad. I just don't like to think that he is mad at me or thinks that I did it on purpouse. Jason is pretty good and laying a guilt trip. I just feel really STUPID, yes, stupid that I did that. Jason looks at me kind of scared. “I just wonder what ELSE is in there.” Yes, the ominous ADD pile... the black hole... it actually HAS gravitational pull.

But he knows that I have ADD and that I didn't do it on purpouse. But still, it is scary. But my question is... can I use ADD AS an excuse? Going through my papers, I just found the temporary Car registration I am supposed to keep in my car. So if I got pulled over and a cop was going to then give me a ticket for not being able to prove registration, could I say, “I am sorry officer I left it at home. I have ADD.” Would I be pardoned for having ADD?

We bought a table from IKEA, dragged it all the way back from Schaumburg, hauled it up the stairs... (Jason hauled it) and when he was putting it together he found that the hinges had broken. At first I thought we could just get replacement hinges at Ace Hardware, but these were round hinges, inlaid perfectly... very specific. Jason said that we would just have to take it back to the store. But I thought that because it was broken, we shouldn't have to haul it back, they should either deliver a new one or give us replacement hinges.
I put it on my things to do and SEVERAL days later got around to calling them.
HORRID customer service. The only way they could send me replacement hinges was if I had the receipt. But the receipt was gone. It wasn't in my wallet, not in the car, not in the pocket of the pants I wore that day (still laying on the floor... sigh) and not on Jason's desk, NOWHERE at all.
Without the receipt the robotic customer service agent said that there was nothing that could be done. Eventually I learned that I could go back to Schaumburg and with my credit card prove that I bought the table, but I really, truly didn't want to have to go all the way out there again. And who knows if there was a time limit... I didn't want to be screwed out of 70 bucks.

So, my point is, they would not accept my excuse of just losing the receipt, but if I told them I had clinical ADD would THAT give me any leverage?

Eventually, and this is the thing I loathe about customer service these days, after calling about four or five times, and having the buck passed back and forth, I FINALLY got to talk to a manager (who originally I was told was not EVER available to speak to customers because they were so busy... nice) SHE could look up my credit card info and “whala!” the hinges are being sent.

Why do we have to go to battle though anytime we want decent customer service. The IKEA people were so placid, so rude, so insincere... and not ONE swedish accent! Apparantly they were from the Baltimore office, which means, INDIA.

The experience DID send me into a downward spiral. Yes, by the fourth time I talked to one of these folks, I was yelling at them. My inner dialogue was, “do you know how frustrating it is to have lost that receipt. Do you know how helpless I feel sometimes? Do you know how angry I am to have to HAVE something like this?”

I feel that if I use ADD as an excuse, people will think just that, it is a lame excuse. I am using something I heard on Oprah to make an excuse. But it is not an excuse. Ask Jason, he knows.

Finding a specialist...

A therapist was recommended to me and all along I thought he was a specialist in ADD. I have been to two sessions. At yesterdays session, I asked him if he specialized in ADD and he said “no” and it made me wonder then why I was seeing him. I want to get to the bottom of this. How am I supposed to get a handle on it when my therapist doesn't specialize in it? He said that he specialized in addictions. Well, then we can talk about my planner addiction... although I seem to have a pretty good hold on that. Pretty good... I do fall off the wagon time after time.
I was pleased to see that the weekly calendar I chose was at-a-glances top seller!) See?
It's like the planner version of grey goose vodka... but not really, not expensive enough for that... I would say it is more like absolut.
Don't worry... I am just as scared as you.

Ok enough silliness.
Is it important for me to have a therapist who is a speciallist in ADD? My gut instinct says, “yes”. I mean, I have been with a therapist before and we have talked about everything under the sun and it is just good to HAVE a therapist and the therapist I am seeing seems to be good... I guess at our next session we will discuss whether I need a specialist or not. Maybe what I do is still look up a support group and go to that in addition to seeing my therapist.

I have good days. I have bad days. I realize on bad days that it is the fact that I overcomplicate that makes it a bad day. Some of the bad days are back wash from other days when I overcomplicated and didn't get stuff done and it spilled over into the next day. This is very much like the to do list. My tendancy always is to just make this huge daily list and OFCOURSE I won't get all of it done and then ofcourse I will feel bad at the end of the day and feel like I am not very accomplished. Oh, damn... I didn't re-shingle the roof!!!!

I read a book years ago called, “Time Management For Dummies” (I HATE those titles... why do they have to use the term dummie? It's cute, yes, but foundation wise, just so NOT productive and/or nurturing). It was written by a business coach named Jeffrey J. Mayer and he introduced me to the concept of the “Master List”. Here is an excerpt from his blog:

“Getting Your Important Work Done
This is my five-step approach for getting your important work done:

1. Before you go home at the end of the workday, review your
Master List and identify the three MOST important things you
MUST do tomorrow.

2. Write those three items on a piece of paper.

3. Block out time on your calendar to tackle these projects
as soon as you arrive tomorrow morning.

4. Turn off your phone. Don't check e-mail.
Don't allow yourself to be interrupted.

5. Go to work.

Once you've completed task #1, do task #2. When that's completed,
do task #3. Then look at your Master List once again and identify
the most important task that needs to be done.

Now wasn't that easy?

http://www.succeedinginbusiness.com/blog/

So instead of just taking each day out to write a to-do list, take fifteen minutes (as an exercise... remember MOST things just take fifteen minutes to do) and write out a master list. Jeffrey suggests doing it on a computer database and that is exactly what I do.
The problems arise when you start to stray from the master list and start using other lists. It truly should be one big list. As I have mentioned before, for THIS purpouse, Omni Outliner is GREAT.
I have it divided into groups: DO, CALL, E-MAIL and GO. I also have a success section called, “YOU DID IT!” and after things are checked off, I drag them to that section. As always always, KEEP IT SIMPLE. It is a SKILL we have to overcomplicate... but we also need to recognize when we are doing this and pull back the reigns.

Here I go talking in the third person again.

Living in a bubble

I have always felt like I was in some kind of bubble watching my life happen before me, feeling helpless to do anything to shape it, add to it, change it... I also have had dreams where I could barely see and was needing to get something accomplished but failed to do so, struggling and being frustrated. While awake, many times I recreated these dreams by getting completely loaded on booze, drugs or both.
Is this some kind of comfort zone for me? I don't think it is a comfort zone more as it is/was an escape hatch.
I also notice many times when I have journaled, I put myself in the third person. I write about my problems as if they are a group of peoples problems. This is a tell tale sign.
The day I woke up and realized that time had definitely passed by, when I was suddenly in my late thirties and then my forties, I was suddenly forced into realizing that not only had many years gone by but I was truly getting older by the minute. Patterns that had been in my life were just that, patterns of behavior that when repeated just keep going and going all the while you get older and older. I always felt frustrated through my life not getting the things I wanted and if I did, they didn't seem to be big enough or important enough. I never seemed to be satisfied. Long before I knew I had ADD, I truly did believe that perhaps I just didn't really have “IT” and that this is what I was only capable of.
But then I would think about my younger years and some of the things I accomplished in high school and college. Had I not WON the state championship in Speech? Had I not been awarded the scholarship for the student most likely to succeed? What happened? What happens to someone with ADD as they grow up and it is not diagnosed? What happens when he has it during formative years when it isn't even really talked about or brought to public attention?
It would be like any other kind of physical ailment I imagine. The longer you wait to do anything about it or the longer it goes undetected, the worse it can get and eventually become a chronic condition. I guess I could say that I have chronic ADD. It makes sense that this has got in the way of my ambition.
I used to think of life as a big spiral that spirals upward. As the years go by, the seasons turn, you move up this big corkscrew spiral. If you grow in life you keep moving up and if you don't you just keep coming around to the same place only to repeat it. In my later years I see myself moving up that corkscrew very slowly. I have had many situations in which I repeated mistakes, banged my head up against the same brick wall. The worse thing was knowing it but not knowing what to do about it. Then, being IN it, not really caring what you were doing anymore and losing interest in work, life... horrible.

Well, now I know what has been going on. The jig is up.
So what am I going to do about it? Habitually I still want to just stay in the bubble and let life pass by. STILL I have a hard time being interested or connected to these things in life that used to fill me with passion. I feel like I have to TRY to connect. I think that if I have to TRY, I must not really be that into it. (I am suddenly thinking of that book, “he is just not that into you”) But I know that I AM into it. I perhaps just need to inspire myself some more.
When you are younger, you go through life learning and seeing new things almost on a daily basis. Then you leave the nest and get to explore these things more fully and go down roads, hallways, open doors you never dared to open before. But as you get older, life becomes a pattern and it gets dull and the days go by so fast you can fan yourself with the hands of the clock. What one needs to do as they get older is to KEEP learning new things, KEEP doing new things. KEEP stepping out of that comfort zone circle that got chalk marked around you.

That is what I want to do.

Today is my birthday...

I went to my first therapy session yesterday. We talked about not only ADHD but what it is like to grow up gay and what it is like to be approaching middle age and being gay. It's weird to be able to look back and see all of your patterns starting to take shape. In my case, I knew that there were patterns emerging, I just wanted to have a better view and so waited until now to brace myself, turn around and take a good look. I always equate this to the bible story of that woman looking back at her city as it burned to the ground and she turned into a pillar of salt. I always interpret that as her not being able to let go of her past and so she became bitter.
It's hard for me to let go of the past. I have shelf after shelf of old journals and when I read them I sometimes can't even remember some of the people I was writing about. It's weird. I think that so many times in my life were just wasted and unimportant. Obviously because I can't remember some of these people or attach a face to a name, they weren't that important to me.

My re-occuring theme is always hiding and distracting myself from doing what I want to do. It can get complex. I have gone through periods of my life wanting a bulk social life and the people who really mattered to me got lost in the shuffle. I want to escape my reality and so I chose to associate with unfulfilling people who don't mirror me properly. I have had relationships where looking into THOSE mirrors was like being in a bathroom after a shower and the mirror is all fogged up.
But there HAVE been those people who DO get me and who DID mirror me in a beautiful way. Thankfully most of those people are still in my life. On my birthday, this day, my wish is to be able to continue to re-connect with these people. As I come out of my fog, I want to get to know them again and get to know them on a deeper level than I already have.

Whenever I read old journals, I am scared at the fact that the stuff I am dealing with today is the same shit I was dealing with back then. I was so lost. I can look back now and observe that and make that statement and finally understand what was and is going on with me. Yes, I do have ADD and I am a gay man and yes, there is a LOT of baggage to check with no porter in site. I have to check my own baggage. I have to make sure that the overhead door is closed tight as my baggage will certainly shift during flight. I have to hang on and I have to let go at the same time.

The secret that I seem to have uncovered at THIS point in my life, the SECRET or ONE of the secrets of life is that everything needs to be in balance. This is something that is revealed to anyone when suddenly they are in a situation where balance IS important. If one were to walk on a wood plank or high wire or just a precarious grouping of rocks or treacherous stairs, you have to have balance or you fall on your ass (or worse!) But when we are on “safe” ground, we don't think about it. We think that balance is only nescessary in those situations. But lessons in life and evolution come from the micro-moments. We need to balance our bodies with nutrition, exercise, breath, attitude, experience... all of these things. If we do one thing we have to have another thing we do to balance it out. We work, we take a break. We are awake and then we sleep. We drink we pee. If one of those were taken away from it's grouping, it would not be a good thing. IF all we ever did was work, work, work we would go crazy and angry and tired and resentful. If we never slept we would certainly go insane. If all we did was sleep we would miss out on life and not accomplish anything. If we never pee'd... well, that would be gross for one and the fluid in our bodies would have to come up with another solution (no pun intended) to get out of our bodies. (What on EARTH am I typing about?!!)
If we didn't have a sense of humor we would never be able to laugh at ourselves... ok I just got lost.
I have the image of a clown in my head and some kind of weird hallmark card. I don't like it. BUt here is yet another moment of balance... suddenly losing my train of thought or my inspiration will allow for me to retrieve it. Struggling to hold on to it or to anything for that matter will not be successful. You have to let go. You have to surf through life shifting weight to allow for the bumps and the turns.

Sweet Therapy...

A habit I have is seeking escape. I have escaped in all manner of ways. As a child I was told that whenever I was sent to my room for punishment, my Dad would come up later feeling bad that he had punished me and then he would peek in and I was happy as a lark in my room, alone, absorbed in one thing or another. Distracted. Escaped.
In High School I escaped study hall by sitting down in the Music room office with some of the other musical deadbeats and do NOTHING. Just sit around... hang out. Ofcourse this is a common thing with most High School kids, but I was aware even at that early age that I could probably be doing better things with my time.
I escaped with booze, drugs... never really hooked on anything to the point of destroying my life, but I USED them to escape and that is always a danger sign. Sometimes the subtle usage is just as damaging.
I escaped as all readers of this blog know through PLANNERS! Sigh.
I hide. I lived for ten years in Minneapolis and actually referred to it as my hide-out.
I hid behind shyness. I resorted to being shy. I wanted to be the center of attention but didn't know how to achieve that successfully. Most people who know me will say that I am always the center of attention but the weird thing is, I don't feel I am. I always want more. I want justification.
I escape behind pessimism. As I am getting older I feel like I am evolving into one of those “grumpy old men”. Yuck. I don't want to be that. I want to be the kind and patient cute old man. I don't want to frighten people.
Escaping... sometimes this BLOG is an escape. We NEED escape. But I tend to use it not nescessarily to refuel myself but to avoid things altogether.

Having to be on my mark, to be ahead of the game with myself is my constant struggle. I want this struggle to end.
In the last few days I have made some major strides in getting things done. I have had so many things hanging in the air. I am learning that most things take about fifteen minutes to do when you just pour yourself into them. But to get to that place without stopping to hear all the noise in my head is very difficult. I either have to turn down the volume of the noise (which seems impossible) or I have to just plow through it.

Plowing through...
A couple of years ago I was in a fading relationship that was actually pretty much a complete flatline. But I stayed in it. I was one of those comfortable with a sense of normalcy. It was comfortable. It was FAKE but seemed real, consistent. It wasn't until I was placed out of that normalcy that I realized how ABnormal it was. I had to get out but I truly had NO idea how to do it. It frustrated me. I realized I was in a relationship that wasn't working but didn't know how to get out of it. I realized then and there that I had to bulldoze my way out of it. I had to put blinders on and plow through and not be affected by any of the things that would distract me from following through with my wish.
The thing that distracted me the most was the idea that I would somehow either convince myself to stay and try to work things out or that I would be convinced by the person I was leaving that I should give it one more try. I knew that there was nothing more to try. No self help book, no counseling, nothing could fix it. And I didn't want it to be FIXED. It had been a long time coming because I had felt this way for a couple of years but ofcourse, never got the nerve up or the ability to communicate how I was feeling. I instead allowed myself to wallow in frustration and apathy. My world became a negative place. I resented my partner and started resenting myself for not going for what I wanted. I didn't think I had the ability to help even myself. I become extremely self absorbed and THAT was yet another escape.

I knew that I just had to plow past the fear of what might happen, I knew that there was a better place beyond this. I finally talked myself into it and when I started the process, sure enough there was alot of ugly stuff that came up. There was alot of upset and tears and I was removed from it all. I stayed calm and sort of left myself through the process. I don't know if this was such a good thing for me to do, but I knew that it was the only way I could get to the other side.

The act of doing that opened up a bunch of windows for me and slowly through the next couple of years, many of the other things that were seemingly wrong in my world were things added to my spring cleaning list. As I am typing this I have just NOW tied up many of those loose ends. It has been hard and I feel shell shocked and numb. I feel weird and tired and foolish that I was so lost in those things to begin with.

So now I have a clean slate. I still have alot of issues as I always will, but I am learning how to deal with them and manage them. That is the key word. I am learning how to manage them. I am hoping that with the beginning of therapy here, things will improve considerably.

Living with someone WITHOUT ADHD

There always seem to be articles and focus shined on the people who have to live with people who have (and I hate to type this) a disorder (but I feel that word is very appropriate for people with ADHD... I can't get myself to refer to “us” as ADHD'rs or some kind of cute name because we are NOT a club. I hate club mentality... it is just another “safe” place to hide) ANYWAY... so there could be a book or article titled: “Surviving the Chaos: Living with someone with ADHD” or something like that... well how about what I am going to write about now...

Living with someone WITHOUT ADHD

Jason came home from his trip and he wanted to immediately show me some presents he had recieved and so he tosses the suitcase up on the dining room table (that I had cleared earlier that day) and dumps stuff out on the table, takes clothes that need to be washed and dumps them on the floor, dump, dump, dump...
I breathe and steady myself. I know that I am going to pick all of this up... it suddenly gets added to my mental list which is not a very stable list when it is just in my head. His shoes are left wherever they leave his feet... that sentence sounds weird... his shoes are left wherever they were when they left his feet... forget it... he took his shoes off and just left them on the floor.
(I am getting a bit worked up)
Then we go to Target. I LOVE Target it is another great escape. I actually go WITHOUT a list. I am certainly living on the edge. All I needed was paper towels. I brought home “so much more!” But it was good stuff to have. It was fun. So I disregard it as any kind of falling off of any kind of wagon, well, the ADHD wagon... ok.
So we come home and all the stuff comes into the house. I keep thinking that for everything we bring into the house I have to get rid of TWO things. I will attempt this today perhaps while he is sleeping. And so the bottom line is the house that I had spent all late morning cleaning looks like a wreck again. But a clean wreck.
STILL... how frustrating when someone without ADHD and who is kind of a slob (he hates that word, ofcourse he does) I have to pick up after him. I don't HAVE to, but if I DON'T it will all be left there. Then I get into the mindset of “who cares” or I abandon ship by letting MY stuff just lay around. THIS IS DANGEROUS because when I tell him that he leaves his stuff around and it drives me crazy, he can say, “YOU do it too!”

Not good.

So to look at living with someone WITHOUT ADHD it gives you the opportunity to raise the bar on yourself and HAVE to perform even more efficiently. It is frustrating. I am lucky that he is interested in learning about ADHD. But still he has a lot to learn. Here is a good example of a BAD experience living with a SWDHADHD...

TiVo...
This is a great thing. I love it, don't fully understand it but love it nonetheless and when Jason went on his trip, I was left in charge. (uh-oh!) But I seemed to make it work well... the only thing I didn't do was SAVE the programs that had been recorded. I chose NOT to delete them but didn't realize that they would be automatically deleted after a day or so. (oops).
Well, when he got home and discovered this he was very upset (he is a TV junkie... but in a good way) and he was upset and his voice and choice of words made me feel like he was really mad at me and that I was stupid and didn't know what I was doing, etc...
I was very angry. I told him that he CAN'T be mad at something like this. I didn't do it on purpouse.
He told me that he reminded me to save the programs.
I thought I HAD.
It was kind of ugly.
But he found the program he wanted playing on another date so he WILL get to see it.

Now I want to point out that above, I put myself down habitually... I wrote “uh-oh” after I had stated that I was left in charge. I am glad that I am aware that I put myself into this category... the stupid person. I am NOT stupid. I repeat... I AM NOT STUPID

OK. Enough of this. I want to go back to talking about TARGET and share one of my favorite Lily Tomlin skits...
Lily has a character named Judith Beasley who does TV reports about various problems... she has one skit where she discusses being an impulse shopper. She states, “If you are the type of person who goes to the market to purchase a loaf of bread and comes back home with a teflon tea kettle a popcorn popper a gym suit a mop and some bean dip... chances are you are an impulse shopper. Especially if you bought these items and forgot the milk and bread!”

There is no such thing as a simple task...

One of the main things that I have been putting off was going to get my new drivers license (I recently relocated... ok, almost a year ago, but I have ADHD... give me a break!) I also had to get new plates, stickers, tabs, etc.
So I was going to go downtown! This is a scary prospect and now that I was doing it with my awareness of what is going on in my head, I was intrigued... I mapped out what I was going to do on one of my day glow cards and got ready and off I went. My first stop was to go to this music store to get a fake book. (I am a musician) and so as I got off the train, there was an entrance directly to Marshall Fields. I had to go to the bathroom so I thought I would pop in there. Ok, you don't just pop IN to Marshall Fields. It was bright and festive and a recording of Ella Fitzgerald singing “You're The Top” was playing. I was happy! I looked around at everything and thought, “wow... I truly could get lost in here.” I finally found the bathroom... very confusing signs. Then I HAD to go look at the Levinger stuff. Now anyone who is an organizer/planner junkie knows that Levinger is like the strongest most luxurious drug. Beautiful stuff and very expensive. I looked and I DIDN'T buy anything!!!! Good for me. I realized I was side-tracking so I left. I started down to the old Carl Fisher music store. Block after block I went enjoying the buzz of the city. Finally I got to the area where I remember it being. It was gone. Gone. Just a big vacant lot. The building had been torn down. I got a bit mad, tried to call and find out where the store had re-located. I should have googled before I left. I have to remember that EVERYTHING must be planned out. I just threw myself down into the city with not enough information... that is/was dangerous.
I went over to the Library and got information there and finally found a music store and got my book. Then it was off to get my License and blah, blah, blah... I should have googled that too. I was totally lost and had to ask the information booths (thank goodness they exist although one of the ladies in the booth almost sent me off on a downward spiral because she told me that they didn't do the written driver exam downtown. But they DID. I finally found it, took my number and waited my turn.
Taking a test was intimidating. I remember how blurry I always felt in High School. I can't even remember or understand HOW on earth I even passed High School and got a diploma. So I took the test and thanks to my studying, I ACED it!!! I got 100% and felt great about it. Another moment to say, “Yay!”
So then I had to go and get my city sticker and new plates. I recieved two forms that I didn't quite understand and the woman behind the window was very odd. She seemed very pained and annoyed and weird... I really had to hold it together with this one. Impatience is not a virtue and I have it in spades. I finally was out of there with everything I needed. Back down into the subway and it was very very hot and a musician was singing some self composed annoying song. I got on the train and headed home!!!!
So next time, I will totally plan out the trip, know EXACTLY where to go and what I am going to do and make sure that I allow myself to do some fun things too.
The percieved complexity of doing something like this is truly just a perception. Doing the homework (like I did for the driver exam) pays off. Suddenly it isn't intimidating, the skies are clear and blue and off you go and enjoy being a productive human being.

Amazing...

Amazing to sit in front of the TV and realize that there was nothing I really neeeded to do. I had pretty much done what I could do that day. I had accomplished things. Things were done, taken care of, completed. I happily laid back and watched an old Bewitched episode.
So I think my techniques work...
I make my list
I set the time and take breaks
I plug my list into my large week view calendar and also take time to write notes of my progress as I go.
I go out and do fun things to get away from what I am doing
I break things way down into bite size pieces

Today during my (now designated) day planning period, I am going to do what is suggested in chapter 13 of the book, “ADD-Friendly Ways To Organize Your Life”

• make a list of regular daily events
• make a list of my fixed tasks, obligations and appointments
• plug them into my calendar

Also, and I recommend this to every ADD'r out there. Start weaning yourself off of the chemicals in your life... it is ENOUGH to take ritalin or whatever medication you are on. Any other kind of stimulus will just throw off your medication. So I have first and foremost stopped drinking caffeinated coffee. This was very difficult for me. But I found a very GOOD decaf at a great coffee shop near my home. I did indeed detox and go through withdrawel from doing this.

This is from a webpage: http://coffeefaq.com/caffaq.html#CaffeineWithdrawal

What are the symptoms of caffeine withdrawal?

Regular caffeine consumption reduces sensitivity to caffeine. When caffeine intake is reduced, the body becomes oversensitive to adenosine. In response to this oversensitiveness, blood pressure drops dramatically, causing an excess of blood in the head (though not necessarily on the brain), leading to a headache.

This headache, well known among coffee drinkers, usually lasts from one to five days, and can be alleviated with analgesics such as aspirin. It is also alleviated with caffeine intake (in fact several analgesics contain caffeine dosages).

Often, people who are reducing caffeine intake report being irritable, unable to work, nervous, restless, and feeling sleepy, as well as having a headache. In extreme cases, nausea and vomiting has also been reported.

The headache is/was definitely there. I also DID feel like I was de-toxing a bit. It takes time. But it is worth it. I feel more focused and not pushed over the edge. I guess that “living on the edge” is supposed to be a cool thing. It is not.

Breaking through... brought to you by OmniOutliner!

I made my comprehensive list with the joyous omnioutliner (see link above) and started into my day. I took breaks. I did my best to stick to my routine. It was working. I tackled some of my major things that had been bugging me for months and months. I just zero'd in and focused! I did it and I felt a major weight roll off of my shoulders. Being on decaf helps too. Also, I phoned a therapist and will be seeing him on Friday. So, the sleeves are rolled up and we are getting to work!

I may have already blogged this but this IS an ADHD blog... one of the things that has always been difficult for me is running errands. I start out, my list is probably in my notebook in my bag and so it is very inaccessible. I start out and before I know it I am getting lost, distracted, going into a store I had no intention of going into... and a simple hour long of running errands becomes the entire afternoon. So what I devised was what I am calling my “errand ticket”. I found a stack of day-glow green index cards. I take only one of the cards and in large lettering with a magic marker or bright colored pen (it's all about catching your attention) I write out WHERE I am going (in order) and what it is I am doing at each place. It works! I am out and off with my handy day-glow “ticket” and it becomes a game where I have to complete everything on the ticket. The rule is I can't return home without having done everything on it. It isn't like a task list that I would do some of now and complete later. It ALL has to be done.
It is very interesting to me how much making things like a game are so important to people with ADHD. It's hard to explain and speaking for myself, I just can't do things in a normal way. But then what IS normal anyway? I have heard it said that it doesn't matter HOW you do it, it's just the DOING it that is important. Perhaps in my growing up and my early adult years I always thought that there was some NORMAL way of doing things. This has a lot to do with heterosexism and that is another blog in itself...
I trust that my thoughts, my feelings are what they are SUPPOSED to be and that MY method of doing things is the RIGHT method for me.
*sigh*

a bit of insight...

I think that I have my panic attacks or whatever they are because I never allow myself to take breaks. I am always going and going and going... I think the panic attacks happen because it is my body freaking out that it never gets to have a break!

Pace yourself...

This day and age we live in either has CAUSED ADHD or just exasberates it. It also promotes poor spelling. The fact that we can at any time be connected with others no matter where we are is kind of scary. Where do you HIDE these days? Cel phones are everywhere and the public world has turned into a symphony of beeps and ridiculous little electronic tunes. I hear these tunes even when they AREN'T playing. They trigger you. When you are in a store or cafe or whatever and you hear this tune, EVERYONE is alerted and for a split second thinks it's THEIR beep. How rude to be interupted in this way. And the absolute annoyance of people talking on their cel phones is one of the worst things technology has ever spawned. These phones came with no etiquete guidelines. And what is with people thinking that when they are talking on their phones nobody around them can hear what they are saying? I have heard couples scream and argue in the cereal aisle. One sided conversation ofcourse... boy is SHE a bitch! Sometimes it's amusing but the problem is that it is there whether you want it or not.
I remember how it was a very urban thing to see the “crazy” people on the sidewalks downtown talking to themselves. I was always interested in what they were saying and what or who they were saying it TO! Now that people have ear peices you just see them walking and talking apparantly to themselves but then you realize they are on the phone. I have actually walked through the airport talking outloud in an imaginary conversation and nobody even blinked. We are ALL the crazy people now.

It's too much.
I watched a very good new show last night called ”30 Days”. It was created by the guy who made that movie called “Super Size Me” and what it is is taking people out of their elements and making them live in an opposite element. Last night tow urbanites who used tons of gas and electricity were sent to a community in Vermont (I think) and it was a place called “Jumping Rabbit” where they lived NOT wasting any of the earths resources. They used solar panels and even recycled their own poop calling it Humanure. I know, gross... but really, we WASTE so much fuel and energy. This show illustrated it to me. Shame on me right now as I sit in the kitchen with the air conditioner blasting and all the lights on. I will make an effort to curb my fuel usage. But anyway, it just made me realize how crazy the world has become in such a short time. And the fact that their are resources out there to SAVE energy and SAVE the earth and nobody does a damn thing about it.

So tying this all into ADHD... this day and age, the news, the noise, the pollution, the stress of the war and terrorism... how do you unplug? The thing about ADHD is that we are percieved as being very self centered. We are embarrased by this because it is not a very socially acceptable thing. We have no social skills. I think that in order to get a grip on it, we have to just really GO for it for the time being and BE self absorbed. I have to just focus on me. I have to get my day in order, I have to get things lined up and make my list and I have to just do it with no distractions.

My distractions are in the form of people I need to communicate with, things that needed to be done a LONG TIME AGO and are still sitting there in my brain waiting and waiting and bothering me and making me crazy. Daily housework that SEEMS daunting but that is really quick and easy to do when you just do it. Set the timer and go. Most housework takes no more than fifteen minutes to a half hour to complete. I have found this out.
Working out of my home and being self employed is great but also VERY challenging. I have to make my own hours so I have to decided when I “go to work”. Today I will go to work at 9:30.

It's chalenging. It's what I have to do. I am also calling that therapist today.

Today is a new day...

Jason was gone over the weekend and will still be gone until Thursday. This is giving me a chance to have a retreat of sorts. To be alone. It isn't exactly a great thing. In fact at times it worries me to wonder how far gone I am with all of this. Someone with ADHD is always going to think it is someone else who is making them feel this way. It is the actions of others. This is why Jason and I get into arguments because I am convinced that it is things that he is doing that trigger me. Well, he ain't here and I am still getting triggered. It is ME who is pulling the trigger.
That is good news for our relationship. I told him over the phone that I worried that my ADHD was going to ruin our relationship and he assured me it wouldn't. He also encourages me to get help.
So the list I made the other day about all of the chemicals I was taking on a daily basis. This weekend I put an end to my caffeine intake. I was drinking two and a half huge mugs of very strong coffee every morning. Basically it was about six to eight cups. (eek) and so I am going the decaf route.
First decaf day I was not introduced to it very well. As I was taking Jason to the airport, we did a McDonald's stop and that is where I got my cup of decaf. Yuck. Next day I strolled down to my swank neighborhood coffee temple and got THEIR version of decaf which was tasteful and good. I bought a pound to bring home. It's good. I think it does actually have a weird after taste. But it is decaffeinated naturally so it should be ok for me. But anyway, I was going through some heavy withdrawal. I had a headache to beat the band yesterday. But I didn't really have a panic attack yesterday. I was muddled though. I get muddled because I over-complicate things and because I don't pull out when I START getting muddled. Getting muddled is my red alert that it is time to take a break. Do I take a break? No. I just keep plowing ahead. Somewhere I was taught that taking a break was a waste of time. Well screw that.

The all new... “Panic Attack!”

So yes, I have been medicated, we have discussed this.
Yes, I had a panic attack the other day, I think we discussed this.
Well I had another one yesterday.
When I initially thought of the term “panic attack” I imagined someone turning a bright shade of white and acting like Tippi Hedrin in “The Birds”. I imagined complete lunacy, running about hands waving in the air above their head, screaming, running into walls. Or I thought of the movie “Sybil” and imagined climbing under a desk and rocking back and forth in a fetal position muttering, “all the people... all the people...” over and over again.
Well, perhaps SOME panic attacks are like that. Others are mild and can even not even be considered a panic attack, but the symptoms are there and the way you react to having a panic attack is what could turn it into something even worse.
I don't nescessarily hear voices in my head but what I hear is my imagination replaying other peoples comments or supposed comments and I hear myself screaming at them, the world... it's truly all in my head. But then it starts to get down into your body. I feel the pressing on my chest, the claustrophobic feeling and I just feel like I want to jump out a window. Not that I want to kill myself, but I want to jump OUT of my body at that moment and sometimes, I guess, people who have had this same feeling end up killling themselves because they DID jump off a bridge or out a window or off a balcony because they just wanted to jump out of the panic.
Their are people who can thrive on this sort of thing. It is for that matter an adrenelin rush. But it is not the same kind of one you get from running or being excited or scared and launch into an attack mode. (The whole fight or flight thing). This is like an adenelin rush inside out. Instead of starting in my body, it starts in my head. It's a temper tantrum in your head. It's not fun.

Ok. Got a good description of this? Now I will pull myself out of that last paragraph and tell you what happened.
So, it's Saturday and I want to do something relaxing for myself and so I make an appointment at my gym (the downtown branch) to get a massage. I make the appointment for 2:00 but then because I wasn't using my timer, I lost track and suddenly it was twenty til two and I knew I wouldn't make it. So I made it for THREE. But then again the same thing happened and there I was driving down to the appointment at twenty til. I got into traffic, I couldn't find parking and I was so damn mad at myself for not leaving earlier and not planning accordingly that I started getting very upset and that was when the panic attack took over.

It's a very lonely and isolated feeling.
I get so tired of people telling me to get a grip.
But then a good thing happened.
I stopped listening to the voices and I told mySELF to get a grip.
I also called Jason. My crisis center in the form of a boyfriend/partner.

It helped.
I also told him that truly, for the next month or so, as I am working through all of this, he has to be very kind to me and not get upset over some of my ADHD related behavior. If he takes it personally, then I have ONE more thing to worry about.
It sounds very selfish and the thing of it is... it IS.
ADHD people ARE selfish because they don't know any other way.
You don't realize how much mental energy and focus it takes just to move across the room sometimes.

So that is that for today although I am sure I will write more.

First Things First

The idea of organizing and setting up a system has always delighted and overwhelmed me.
As I have written earlier I have always been obsessed with organizers. The word escaping from my lips makes family and friends roll their eyes as they have heard me talking about this before. I am the only person I know (aside from the folks I might run into at Franklin Covey) who actually TALK about this. I would talk about my system and how I loved putting things in their sections and how I liked to have it all in one place and blah, blah, blah. People had every right to tell me that I was nuts. Nobody would tell me that though. I can remember my Mom making fun of me. “Organizer!” she would say in a sing song voice as I was showing her my ten millionth new organizer I had just purchased. I mean seriously, yes, it is and was embarrasing. “You need a NEW one?” I would hear if I started talking about it or was out shopping with someone and we would be heading over to Office Depot. I think of Office supply stores like an alcoholic things of bars. It is a dangerous place number one, but it is a place to go to escape. It IS an escape. I have escaped in the ATTEMPT to set up an organizing system and many times I would really be ON to something but it would fail. It would bottom out because I couldn't stick to it.
I would go from planner to planner, leather binder to leather binder, monthly view, weekly view, daily view... it would be my constant companion. It would become my daily diary and it would keep me from doing ANYTHING productive.

How frustrating is it to be considered this very organized person when all along you know that you are just living this big facade. Nobody would even seriously question why I kept changing planners and calendars and why I had so much planner stuff stocked away. It was crazy and I knew it. I felt like I was sneaking over to Office Depot or Franklin. I would be out at the mall with a friend who was aware of my planner addiction and I would lie and say let's meet up over here because I want to go and check something at ANOTHER store. I wouldn't tell them that I was going to Franklin. I would even hide whatever I bought in a knapsack or other bag so they wouldn't see the Franklin bag.
Also, I was notorious for returning things. I would do this because I would have bought it out of some kind of funk I had been in or a major ADHD flare up (that I was unaware of) it is very much like alcoholism. For example someone who drinks has fun when they drink. I enjoyed stationary stores. I liked to go to them. I liked the smell of paper. The alcoholic begins to spend more time than usual at the bar. I would begin to seek out office supply stores. I knew where they ALL were. The alcoholic would recommend the latest and greatest beer or cocktail. I would suggest to a friend how to put their system together. The alcoholic wants other friends to drink with him. I wanted everyone to have a calendar too, a planner, a big fat planner like me. I suggested they visit Franklin Covey or get a dayrunner.
Before long like the alcoholic it becomes not just the drink but the ESCAPE. While other friends had left the bar, the alcoholic stayed and kept drinking. While others were off getting things DONE, I was still re-writing myt list, scribbling it out, throwing it out, starting over, devising another method of how to do it. I just went on and on and on.
The alcoholic is told that he is very gregarious and fun when he is out at the bar.
I would be told that I was very organized and had that kind of mindset. It was a good thing.
What those people didn't know was that I knew that I wasn't like that. I was hiding behind it. The alcoholic knows that he isn't really that funny so he hides behind the booze. He will then keep seeking alcohol to hide.
I knew that I wasn't that organized or that I was in reality just a scattered mess so I sought out planners because I really thought that they would make me a better more productive person.

The illusion of drinking is that it is fun.
The illusion of planners is that they make you productive.
The reality is that eventually the alcoholic loses himself and hits rock bottom and becomes obnoxious and intolerable to others.
The reality is that my lack of actually accomplishing anything frustrates my co-workers and family.

Jason is responsible for allowing me to see how messed up I am.
He didn't say, “you are messed up” but he sought my assistance in starting up a theater company.
I have great ideas. I have no idea how to make them a reality on a CONSISTENT basis.
Like an alcoholic I have my good moments. I AM the life of the party. I was the life of the party for quite a while with Three His and a Miss. But I got to a point where I didn't know what to do next to take it further and make it even more successful. Everyone assumed that I did.

With the theater company, Jason even made out a master plan. But I was unable to focus on it and really trust him. He was a distraction to me trying to sort out all my other distractions. He had no idea of this. He claims to be an excellent multi-tasker. I COULD be a multi-tasker but what I have to do is instead of keeping it all in my mind, I have to get it out on paper or on the computer in some kind of system.

This is where I realized truly that my ADHD was indeed preventing me from doing what it was that I really wanted to do.
The two main things about this ADHD thing and me is thus:

As I have illustrated before, I have a hard time concentrating because it is like I am a parent at a grocery store with eight children around me. They are all screaming and wanting my attention and because I have no skills to deal with such a thing, I can't possibly give any outside person my attention.

I overcomplicate EVERYTHING. Instead of a simple task, in my head I turn it into a gigantic intimidating task and so it never gets done.

It is all about simplifying.
And I don't mean that I just whittle it down to a tiny post-it note with three things listed, I mean that I have to quiet the screaming children in my head by sitting down at the table with paper or on my computer and just take the TIME to write down EVERYTHING I want and or need to get done and truly breaking it down into micro-movements, one bit at a time.

At first it seems ridiculous.
For example I need to have posters for my show. So I normally would just write down on my list, “make poster for show.”
No.
It would never happen.
It would eventually happen but it would take forever because the steps involved with doing that are all buzzing around my head like obnoxious fruit flies. Instead of making the poster, I am trying to pin down the steps.
So, I have to, in my planning session, break it down like this:

Print out bottom of poster
cut in half
put on poster
Bring poster to Davenports
Bring postcards to Davenports

DOING that gives me a much clearer idea of all that is really involved.
The problem is my concept of time and how much it takes to do certain things.
In my personal therapy and getting a grip on this I have to actually break it down into the teeniest bits.
Eventually I can train myself to perhaps not have to do this but for now and everyday, I have to do this.

Right now there are tons of things that need my attention and they are all up in my head.
I need to first label each of them as big chunks that need to be done, categories, project descriptions and then within those chunks, break them down even further.

It's mind mapping. It is literally rehearsing it before I do it. Taking the effort before I do it to really map it out will help me to do it. I will save time because once it is all mapped out, I will just be able to do it. It is like a game.

One way I have done this successfully is packing.
Packing for a trip used to overhelm me. I hated the night before a trip because I would dwell on HAVING to pack. In reality it takes ten minutes to pack when you know exactly what you need to bring.
SO what I would do is, the day or night before, I would make a comprehensive list of what I needed. I would count OUT how much underwear and socks to bring. I would rehearse in my head the day of the trip and when I saw what I would wear at various parts of the trip, I would write it down.
I wrote it ALL down. Everything.
I would then have the list, the action plan, the map.

I would pack in the morning and eventually was very successful at this. It was FUN to do it that way. I didn't have to worry.

So NOW with that as a success story, the task at hand is to now do THAT SAME THING with my life. The things I need to get done in my life.

Today I am going to take the time to mind dump it all into my omni outliner program.
Then I will sort it all out.
Then I will make it a map and a game and I will get it all done.

Seeking clarity is impossible because it is the act of doing something like making an amazing comprehensive list, THAT will be my clarity.

Also, it is important for me to choose words that are positive and uplifting. Words like crazy and anal retentive are negative. By making my list that intricate I will be focused and brilliant.

enough is enough

So yesterday I blogged about all the chemicals I am injesting into my body. Well lo and behold I had a panic attack!
It had actually been coming on for awhile.

I looked up on a website and here are some panic attack symptoms...

Rapid heart beat, pounding heart or palpitations (Yes)
Sweating (a bit... my doctor had told me that I looked like I was sweating)
Shaking visibly or inside (a bit)
Choking sensations or lump in throat (yes)
Smothering or shortness of breath sensations (BIG yes)
Chest pain or discomfort (yes... sort of a pressing feeling on my chest)
Nausea, bloating, indigestion or abdominal discomfort (yep)
Dizziness or unsteadiness (yes)
Feeling light-headed (yes)
Derealisation (feeling unreal or dreamy)
Depersonalisation (feeling outside yourself or like you don't exist)
Fear of losing control or going crazy
Paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensations) in face, extremities or body
Blushing or skin blotches

So... wow. All of this caused by ritalin, but not the fact that I was taking the ritalin but the fact that it was sitting atop all the other stuff I was taking. All of that stuff drove the ritalin to send me into a panic attack. So today we are going to NOT use the sudifed or caffeine. I am afraid though of having a very severe headache as a result but I will just have to deal with it. It is about time I move over to de-caf. Jason suggests I do half and half and maybe that is the way to go but maybe I should just go with full decaf. I can do it.

All the buzz...

I woke up this morning wiped out. I took my boyfriend to Little Italy for his birthday and we had martini's and chianti (excellent by the way!) but I got a bit looped. I was surprised at my behavior. I had been so calm the day before with the new dosage and all. Also comes the smoking. Once a happy SOCIAL smoker, I would proudly puff only in the presence of others who smoked and only occaisonally. Well, I think with smoking “occasionally” gradually catches up to becoming EVERY DAY. So I have been smoking now for quite awhile but in my attempt to control it I have been a bit successful in that I keep it to no more than 3 or 4 a day. But still, I know in my heart of hearts that could someday become my congestive heart of hearts that it is not not not a good thing for me to be doing. If not for the fact that smoking IS bad for you (although I still want to ask, “is it? The people in Europe seem to be doing ok with it... and they are still so damn skinny!”) the fact that this nicotine stick is just another chemical I am ingesting into my body doesn't help matters. In addition to this it is rare for me not to feel guilty every time I have one. It is almost as if (and I am perhaps on to something as I type this) that I not only get off on the nicotine but on the guilt as well. Ah HA!!! YES! This is IT. I feel at home in the guilt. GUILT is a comfort.
Sigh.
So my challenge is to either smoke without guilt or face the guilt and steer it away from me, re-direct it into something creative... are their things I know I should be doing but don't so that I can feel that wonderful guilt? Of course there are! Geez! Who started this guilt train with me? What am I supposed to do with this? Tell guilt to fuck off. Stop FEELING it? Guilt is creepy... it stands in the corner staring at you saying, “feel me, FEEL me!!!!”

Go away little guilt
go away little guilt
I'm not supposed to be involved with you
I know your intention is sweet
but my attention you should not greet
I belong not dwelling on you please go away...

Ok, that was a tad lame... but I DON'T feel guilty having written it.

Back to chemicals...
Yesterday was not a good day. I was overwhelmed. Yes, I have a lot to do and with a limited amount of time before we leave for Minnesota. Yes, racing against time either freaks me out or exhilarates me... it makes me hyper and that can go in any direction. But this morning I noticed that BOTH my pill bottles were out, the 20mg AND the 40mg and I am wondering if yesterday I took the 20mg by mistake! I tossed it. We shall see how I am today and so far so good.

So again, the chemicals... here are the chemicals I can put into my body on a daily basis... and it is no wonder I am not glowing in the dark...
ritalin 40mg
caffein
sugar
loratadine (allergy medicine) 10mg
pseudoephedrine sulfate (decongestant) 240 mg
Guaifenesin 600 mg (mucinex for my chest congestion for the last couple of days)
ketoconazole 200mg (meds I took for this skin fungus thing I have had... I know, pretty isn't it?)

So LOOK at THAT cocktail of pills!!!! And to top it off I toss back one or more COCKTAILS!!!!
And it is no wonder at all that “White Rabbit” is one of my favorite songs.

On a clear day...

So I have upped my ritalin dosage to twice the amount, a moderate level. I was taking 20mg and now 40mg. Apparantly the top dose would be 80 and I don't need that. I was skeptical if it would make a difference. I never really seemed to have any reaction to the 20mg. I think when I first took it I had a nervous reaction, felt hyper but then it calmed down eventually. It calmed down to the point that it didn't do anything. Granted, I am one to have morning stimulis. I have coffee and as I type this I am sipping a home-made espresso. That always got me going in the morning. But I was moved to seek advice on my dosage because I was bottoming out. I was crazy, felt crazy. Anagonized by the move and everything in my life, a lot of things going on with family, career, blah blah blah... (I hate people who type blah blah blah, so WHY did I type it?) I was getting angry and overreacting to things. Jason would react to how I was reacting and I would look at him like HE was nuts. “I didn't act like that?” I guess I did. So screaming at the lady at the KFC drive up window is abnormal? Yes, fits. Yes, anger and rage and resentment and annoyance... all manner of stuff that seemed to take me over the edge. I was definitely representing the H in ADHD.
So over to my Doctor and a new dosage level.
Took it.
It was pretty immediate.
Atleast by early evening Jason was noticing how calm I had been most of the day. I noticed that colors were brighter. Not acid trip bright but clearer. The saying, “stop and smell the roses” was something I could understand because before there was too much of a fog to see, smell, reach ANY kind of flower.

In tandem with this I have been utilizing some of the techniques and suggestions in my ADD organizer book. I laugh as I read about myself. It describes how someone with ADHD will have several half or unused calendars around the house. Ding ding!
I have always laughed when people saw me with my big honkin day planner book and they would remark longingly, “you are SO organized.” My comeback line was always, “it's just an illusion” and it WAS. I JOKED about it. Inside I was embarrassed. Because I couldn't grasp organization in a way that actually worked, I sought out day planners and organizers because they promised the ability to organize. Tabbed sections for all your pertinent information. Problem was you had to FILL IT IN. I never ever did. I may have at one point actually filled in much of my planner in the info section but then I would still be seeking a solution because ofcourse it wasn't going to work for me. So I would look at a smaller size planner or a different type of system. I would also have a phobia about messing it up and so would avoid writing in it so as not to smudge or write it wrong or do it sloppily. I was holding off on having any kind of personality.

I always loved to see someone elses planner or system. I would LOVE to see someone with just a simple montly at-a-glance with tons of scribbles and notes jammed into the calendar and from this really cool looking mess would be their productive life. I would also covet someone with a medium size planner that was stuffed to the gills and bulging out, the original fat little day planner. The fact that I knew every single kind of planner on the market meant that I was officially and successfully distracted. It saddens me how in my confusion and despair I would joke. I would go to Franklin Covey shelling out my 10 thousandth dollar and say that I should get a discount because (yuck yuck) I've put so many of the Franklin employees kids through college.

Rock bottom is scary but nescessary.
I won't even go into the Palm Pilot.
The books I am reading all remind me to keep it simple. I am delighted by the fact that some of their suggestions have been my instincts that I never followed. My current “system” and it makes me nervous to use that word... my current system is a simple week at a glance large size at-a-glance calendar that stays at my desk. Then I have a pocket monthly calendar that gives me an overview and that I can take with me when I have to plan something away from my desk. As far as my to do list, I made a generic version that I can adapt for several purpouses. What is most important though is how I work through the day. My instinct was always to plan everything out and I mean everything... people thought I was crazy, I thought I was crazy but apparantly I was on the right track. Sitting down and making that lovely list helps my shuffled brain get back in order. A favorite technique that I came up with yesterday was my errand ticket. I have these bright yellow green dayglow index cards and I take ONE and map out my errands. Where I will go what I will do and then take the ticket with and it is almost like a game to get all the things done. It's kind of like a scavenger hunt. The second technique that I am enjoying is timing stuff. My trusty kitchen timer is with me throughout the day and I schedule ten, fifteen or thirty minute intervals to do things. It works.

But as I write this my timer is beeping and so I will stop for now. But I am happy that the new dosage is working. I am feeling productive and most of all when I would normally get overwhelmed, I am remarkably calm. The litmus test for this was being at Kinko's yesterday. I could tell when I would have blown up. I could hear the idea of going ballistic in my head. But I was so laid back. Yes, it angered me and frustrated me that the computer was slow there and that the printer wasn't working and that nobody really gave a rats ass about the posters I wanted to make. But I just shrugged my shoulders. Oh well.

Who AM I? I like the calmed down me.

Risky Business...

I tend to get intimidated when anyone who has an opinion so openly and confidently expresses it. The whole hoo-ha about Tom Cruise lately doesn't make me angry as it makes me confused and maybe jealous... more so confused. When somebody challenges an opinion or an idea, it makes me wonder if I am on the right track. That has been my problem all through my life. I chug along but always and always question whether what I am doing is the right thing or not.
My father gave to me what I know think of as a very intelligent and cryptic warning. When I was in my twenties he told me that I didn't want to wake up one day in my forties and still be “floating”. Well, I am in my forties, I am suddenly awake and yes, whaddya know I FEEL like I AM floating. I am floating along wondering still if I am on the right track, is my plan, my outlook, my gut instinct correct? Is my opinion on where I AM in life right? Do I even HAVE an opinion?

This is what someone with ADD does. We provide voices in our head or maybe ALLOW voices (not bad ones... not schizo voices) NOISE to play on and on and get in the way of our ONE voice, the one that IS on track but is frustrated because it can't communicate to us THROUGH all the noise. So I ask myself all these questions because I am actually very successfully GETTING IN MY OWN WAY! I am the king of writing scripts, writing scripts especially for everyone I encounter. I want to be in charge so badly that I write and re-write what I think the people in my world will say to me. I do this before, during and after the time when I am listening to them. I don't listen, I start to hear their words but then it gets muddy and I start re-writing their words for them and worse... BELIEVING what I write!!!!! And to think I don't really like fiction!

So when Tom Cruise proclaims that ADD is something that is all in my head and can be cured by munching on a Flinstones vitamen, instead of standing up for myself and telling him to buzz off I question whether or not he might be right. I add additional dialogue to what he is saying, I have him turn and address ME... he says, “God Rob, why on earth are you taking all of this medication? You don't need to do that! Come with me... in my private plane and I will take you to vitamen mountain where we will nourish ourselves and be healthy and sharp and amazing and jump on couches and be best friends with all the celebrities you love... YOU are wrong, I am RIGHT and so don't listen to YOURSELF, listen to ME or anyone ELSE for that matter... I am afraid you are too close to actually tackling your problem so DON'T... you are so much cuter when you are unfocused... ”

WHAT? NO!!!! Shut up TOM!
Turn off the TV, turn off the doubt and voices that buzz and warble...
Do I hear voices?
Yeah, I do... I think everyone does but they just don't admit it.
But I do and I KNOW what they are... they are the voices I tune in when I tune mySELF out.*
Time to adjust the dial.

SO anyway, my lack of focus and my awareness that there was something wrong... STILL with me... all hit rock bottom as my partner and I were moving (hello... ADD nightmare) and also when in a state of exasperation and concern, started looking up books about ADD so that he could understand and so that I could also understand. I read these two books (see my links...) and it was like reading my HOW TO manuals. I realized that I needed to pull up the boot straps and get to work and get this ADD thing under control once and for all.

First of all, my medication... I asked my doctor about my dosage of ritalin and he said it was too low (possibly) and so all we did was double it. My first day with this new dose (yesterday) was noticebly different. The difference was that I was calm. As I type this I am calm. I feel productive. I feel focused and clear. Colors are brighter and everything seems to be in it's proper place outwardly and inwardly. So perhaps this is ONE solution. We shall see how it goes down the road. I remember when I first took ritalin I had a similiar reaction but then as my body became accustomed to it it didn't really seem to work as well, in fact it started to NOT work which was why I sought out a higher dosage.
My Doctor told me that if I felt I needed a stronger dose we would seek alternate medication.

The other thing I need to do or am starting to do is/was suggested by my partner, my prince... he said that the language I use in regards to myself is very negative. I am always saying how hard it is... you don't understand how hard it is... he says back to me, “you're right... I don't understand how hard it is because your life is not that hard. Ten years in a concentration camp is HARD.”
I can start giving myself pep talks instead of writing my script to make me feel and behave like a loser who is afraid to make any kind of forward move. I remember being really into Louise Hay and affirmations and all of that. Perhaps it is time to revisit that.

I am also going to find a support group.

OK. That is enough of a brain dump for now.

* I especially hear the voices... the noise when there is WHITE noise. When a fan is on or water running, I can hear sounds within it... it sounds like chatter or a radio station... it's weird.

Be patient because I tend to ramble...

My ADD has kicked in full steam. I think that it has been sneaking up behind me and just finally tapped me big time on the shoulder. It looked me in the eye and said, “all this time you thought that you could handle this but now we are bored and want to really make your life miserable.”
Like the abbreviation, ADD “adds” up and then your brain explodes.
It has made me pretty much anti-social, which is silly because I like the idea of going out and meeting up with people and having a social life. A social life eludes me.
The whole organizer thing is what is the worst and has been an obvious symptom of my ADD for so many years. You know that it is a problem when you lay awake at night thinking about it. I know that it is a problem when in the matter of minutes I make a decision to go with a paper based system and then revert to the PDA and then think that I could manage life with just a pad of paper… it drives me nuts!
When you see a harried mother at a grocery store with a bunch of kids and you approach her, ask her a question she will more than likely snap at you. So frazzled is she by the screaming children pulling at her skirt, shoving cereal boxes and candy in her face, she has lost her mind and the only way she can respond is through a funnel that resembles anger. That is how I feel these days and that is how I have come across to my partner.
He will call me on his cel phone and for whatever reason his voice comes across garbled and static like a speaker shot to hell by endless heavy metal music. “What?” I keep saying into the phone impatiently. Then I will say in what I feel is a normal tone of voice, “honey everytime you call me on your cel phone, it sounds so distorted. You need to turn down the volume or not talk so loud...” and I think I am just calmly saying this. In reality, a reality I am not in touch with, I apparantly come off scolding or yelling myself. But I don't feel like I am yelling. Just like someone who is AT a heavy metal concert and has to yell over the sound of the music. I have to yell over the noise that is ever present around me.

I don't like it. I don't like that I have always come off this way.
When I was a kid I would always hear how I would throw fits or act like a big baby... my Dad would imitate me whining or stamping my feet and I could not recall EVER acting like that. It pissed me off. I felt like I was being made fun of. It made me feel stupid.

Here I am on the threshhold of my forty fourth birthday and I still feel foolish, I still apparantly come off wrong, I am hyper sensitive, I am confused, I don't listen... it's not that I don't listen... I am TRYING to listen.

Back to organizers... organizers are my biggest symptom of ADD.
I have had every kind of organizer that the planet has ever spit out. It can be comical only because of the vastness of my history with these things. It began in grade school with notebooks. I think as soon as I had a notebook that had various sections to it, my ADD began to take hold. I could never decide which notebook to use, to have... I would use one for awhile but then want another one. Then I discovered journals. I began writing in journals when I was eighteen or nineteen. For the most part I would finish a journal but sometimes in the middle of the journal or towards the end I would get bored and start a new one leaving the last one unfinished. During my college years I discovered DayRunner and my life went off on a dangerous and debilitating side-track.

The organizer. I was obsessed with them. I was KNOWN for them. “Oh that's Rob's book... he always is writing in his book...”
The first one I remember having was grey leather. I was fascinated with the various organizing sections of the book. I liked the tabbed dividers. DayRunner lead to DayTimer and then Filofax and then Franklin Planner, Stephen Covey and then the merger of Franklin Covey... it's a big cloud, a big distracting cloud. I would go to Office Depot like a crack addict sneaking into a back alley. If I would get a new planner I would underplay it out of embarrasement that someone would notice that I had a new one. People would react in surprise, people would say horrible things to me like, “boy you sure have a lot of time on your hands...”
What a horrible thing to say. I would think that we had the exact same amount. What the hell are they thinking?
Then I got swallowed up into PDA's and don't even get me started on all the different sizes and formats of Franklin Covey... small teeny tiny organizers and big ass carry over your shoulder organizers. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars and lord know how much TIME on organizers.

Now I am at a point in my life when I look back and wonder what I could have actually accomplished if I had not been so hyper focused on distracting myself. As I write this I am getting ready to plan my day and all I really want to do is just write it down either in my present journal or on a yellow legal pad. I contemplate typing it and printing it out from my computer but then there is the potential of getting lost in trying to find a program to do such a thing. I could never just use a word program or text edit.

This is a scary thing and I am going to seek help.