I went to my first therapy session yesterday. We talked about not only ADHD but what it is like to grow up gay and what it is like to be approaching middle age and being gay. It's weird to be able to look back and see all of your patterns starting to take shape. In my case, I knew that there were patterns emerging, I just wanted to have a better view and so waited until now to brace myself, turn around and take a good look. I always equate this to the bible story of that woman looking back at her city as it burned to the ground and she turned into a pillar of salt. I always interpret that as her not being able to let go of her past and so she became bitter. It's hard for me to let go of the past. I have shelf after shelf of old journals and when I read them I sometimes can't even remember some of the people I was writing about. It's weird. I think that so many times in my life were just wasted and unimportant. Obviously because I can't remember some of these people or attach a face to a name, they weren't that important to me.
My re-occuring theme is always hiding and distracting myself from doing what I want to do. It can get complex. I have gone through periods of my life wanting a bulk social life and the people who really mattered to me got lost in the shuffle. I want to escape my reality and so I chose to associate with unfulfilling people who don't mirror me properly. I have had relationships where looking into THOSE mirrors was like being in a bathroom after a shower and the mirror is all fogged up.
But there HAVE been those people who DO get me and who DID mirror me in a beautiful way. Thankfully most of those people are still in my life. On my birthday, this day, my wish is to be able to continue to re-connect with these people. As I come out of my fog, I want to get to know them again and get to know them on a deeper level than I already have.
Whenever I read old journals, I am scared at the fact that the stuff I am dealing with today is the same shit I was dealing with back then. I was so lost. I can look back now and observe that and make that statement and finally understand what was and is going on with me. Yes, I do have ADD and I am a gay man and yes, there is a LOT of baggage to check with no porter in site. I have to check my own baggage. I have to make sure that the overhead door is closed tight as my baggage will certainly shift during flight. I have to hang on and I have to let go at the same time.
The secret that I seem to have uncovered at THIS point in my life, the SECRET or ONE of the secrets of life is that everything needs to be in balance. This is something that is revealed to anyone when suddenly they are in a situation where balance IS important. If one were to walk on a wood plank or high wire or just a precarious grouping of rocks or treacherous stairs, you have to have balance or you fall on your ass (or worse!) But when we are on “safe” ground, we don't think about it. We think that balance is only nescessary in those situations. But lessons in life and evolution come from the micro-moments. We need to balance our bodies with nutrition, exercise, breath, attitude, experience... all of these things. If we do one thing we have to have another thing we do to balance it out. We work, we take a break. We are awake and then we sleep. We drink we pee. If one of those were taken away from it's grouping, it would not be a good thing. IF all we ever did was work, work, work we would go crazy and angry and tired and resentful. If we never slept we would certainly go insane. If all we did was sleep we would miss out on life and not accomplish anything. If we never pee'd... well, that would be gross for one and the fluid in our bodies would have to come up with another solution (no pun intended) to get out of our bodies. (What on EARTH am I typing about?!!)
If we didn't have a sense of humor we would never be able to laugh at ourselves... ok I just got lost.
I have the image of a clown in my head and some kind of weird hallmark card. I don't like it. BUt here is yet another moment of balance... suddenly losing my train of thought or my inspiration will allow for me to retrieve it. Struggling to hold on to it or to anything for that matter will not be successful. You have to let go. You have to surf through life shifting weight to allow for the bumps and the turns.