So yes, I have been medicated, we have discussed this.
Yes, I had a panic attack the other day, I think we discussed this.
Well I had another one yesterday.
When I initially thought of the term “panic attack” I imagined someone turning a bright shade of white and acting like Tippi Hedrin in “The Birds”. I imagined complete lunacy, running about hands waving in the air above their head, screaming, running into walls. Or I thought of the movie “Sybil” and imagined climbing under a desk and rocking back and forth in a fetal position muttering, “all the people... all the people...” over and over again.
Well, perhaps SOME panic attacks are like that. Others are mild and can even not even be considered a panic attack, but the symptoms are there and the way you react to having a panic attack is what could turn it into something even worse.
I don't nescessarily hear voices in my head but what I hear is my imagination replaying other peoples comments or supposed comments and I hear myself screaming at them, the world... it's truly all in my head. But then it starts to get down into your body. I feel the pressing on my chest, the claustrophobic feeling and I just feel like I want to jump out a window. Not that I want to kill myself, but I want to jump OUT of my body at that moment and sometimes, I guess, people who have had this same feeling end up killling themselves because they DID jump off a bridge or out a window or off a balcony because they just wanted to jump out of the panic.
Their are people who can thrive on this sort of thing. It is for that matter an adrenelin rush. But it is not the same kind of one you get from running or being excited or scared and launch into an attack mode. (The whole fight or flight thing). This is like an adenelin rush inside out. Instead of starting in my body, it starts in my head. It's a temper tantrum in your head. It's not fun.
Ok. Got a good description of this? Now I will pull myself out of that last paragraph and tell you what happened.
So, it's Saturday and I want to do something relaxing for myself and so I make an appointment at my gym (the downtown branch) to get a massage. I make the appointment for 2:00 but then because I wasn't using my timer, I lost track and suddenly it was twenty til two and I knew I wouldn't make it. So I made it for THREE. But then again the same thing happened and there I was driving down to the appointment at twenty til. I got into traffic, I couldn't find parking and I was so damn mad at myself for not leaving earlier and not planning accordingly that I started getting very upset and that was when the panic attack took over.
It's a very lonely and isolated feeling.
I get so tired of people telling me to get a grip.
But then a good thing happened.
I stopped listening to the voices and I told mySELF to get a grip.
I also called Jason. My crisis center in the form of a boyfriend/partner.
It helped.
I also told him that truly, for the next month or so, as I am working through all of this, he has to be very kind to me and not get upset over some of my ADHD related behavior. If he takes it personally, then I have ONE more thing to worry about.
It sounds very selfish and the thing of it is... it IS.
ADHD people ARE selfish because they don't know any other way.
You don't realize how much mental energy and focus it takes just to move across the room sometimes.
So that is that for today although I am sure I will write more.