So I have upped my ritalin dosage to twice the amount, a moderate level. I was taking 20mg and now 40mg. Apparantly the top dose would be 80 and I don't need that. I was skeptical if it would make a difference. I never really seemed to have any reaction to the 20mg. I think when I first took it I had a nervous reaction, felt hyper but then it calmed down eventually. It calmed down to the point that it didn't do anything. Granted, I am one to have morning stimulis. I have coffee and as I type this I am sipping a home-made espresso. That always got me going in the morning. But I was moved to seek advice on my dosage because I was bottoming out. I was crazy, felt crazy. Anagonized by the move and everything in my life, a lot of things going on with family, career, blah blah blah... (I hate people who type blah blah blah, so WHY did I type it?) I was getting angry and overreacting to things. Jason would react to how I was reacting and I would look at him like HE was nuts. “I didn't act like that?” I guess I did. So screaming at the lady at the KFC drive up window is abnormal? Yes, fits. Yes, anger and rage and resentment and annoyance... all manner of stuff that seemed to take me over the edge. I was definitely representing the H in ADHD.
So over to my Doctor and a new dosage level.
Took it.
It was pretty immediate.
Atleast by early evening Jason was noticing how calm I had been most of the day. I noticed that colors were brighter. Not acid trip bright but clearer. The saying, “stop and smell the roses” was something I could understand because before there was too much of a fog to see, smell, reach ANY kind of flower.
In tandem with this I have been utilizing some of the techniques and suggestions in my ADD organizer book. I laugh as I read about myself. It describes how someone with ADHD will have several half or unused calendars around the house. Ding ding!
I have always laughed when people saw me with my big honkin day planner book and they would remark longingly, “you are SO organized.” My comeback line was always, “it's just an illusion” and it WAS. I JOKED about it. Inside I was embarrassed. Because I couldn't grasp organization in a way that actually worked, I sought out day planners and organizers because they promised the ability to organize. Tabbed sections for all your pertinent information. Problem was you had to FILL IT IN. I never ever did. I may have at one point actually filled in much of my planner in the info section but then I would still be seeking a solution because ofcourse it wasn't going to work for me. So I would look at a smaller size planner or a different type of system. I would also have a phobia about messing it up and so would avoid writing in it so as not to smudge or write it wrong or do it sloppily. I was holding off on having any kind of personality.
I always loved to see someone elses planner or system. I would LOVE to see someone with just a simple montly at-a-glance with tons of scribbles and notes jammed into the calendar and from this really cool looking mess would be their productive life. I would also covet someone with a medium size planner that was stuffed to the gills and bulging out, the original fat little day planner. The fact that I knew every single kind of planner on the market meant that I was officially and successfully distracted. It saddens me how in my confusion and despair I would joke. I would go to Franklin Covey shelling out my 10 thousandth dollar and say that I should get a discount because (yuck yuck) I've put so many of the Franklin employees kids through college.
Rock bottom is scary but nescessary.
I won't even go into the Palm Pilot.
The books I am reading all remind me to keep it simple. I am delighted by the fact that some of their suggestions have been my instincts that I never followed. My current “system” and it makes me nervous to use that word... my current system is a simple week at a glance large size at-a-glance calendar that stays at my desk. Then I have a pocket monthly calendar that gives me an overview and that I can take with me when I have to plan something away from my desk. As far as my to do list, I made a generic version that I can adapt for several purpouses. What is most important though is how I work through the day. My instinct was always to plan everything out and I mean everything... people thought I was crazy, I thought I was crazy but apparantly I was on the right track. Sitting down and making that lovely list helps my shuffled brain get back in order. A favorite technique that I came up with yesterday was my errand ticket. I have these bright yellow green dayglow index cards and I take ONE and map out my errands. Where I will go what I will do and then take the ticket with and it is almost like a game to get all the things done. It's kind of like a scavenger hunt. The second technique that I am enjoying is timing stuff. My trusty kitchen timer is with me throughout the day and I schedule ten, fifteen or thirty minute intervals to do things. It works.
But as I write this my timer is beeping and so I will stop for now. But I am happy that the new dosage is working. I am feeling productive and most of all when I would normally get overwhelmed, I am remarkably calm. The litmus test for this was being at Kinko's yesterday. I could tell when I would have blown up. I could hear the idea of going ballistic in my head. But I was so laid back. Yes, it angered me and frustrated me that the computer was slow there and that the printer wasn't working and that nobody really gave a rats ass about the posters I wanted to make. But I just shrugged my shoulders. Oh well.
Who AM I? I like the calmed down me.