I tend to get intimidated when anyone who has an opinion so openly and confidently expresses it. The whole hoo-ha about Tom Cruise lately doesn't make me angry as it makes me confused and maybe jealous... more so confused. When somebody challenges an opinion or an idea, it makes me wonder if I am on the right track. That has been my problem all through my life. I chug along but always and always question whether what I am doing is the right thing or not.
My father gave to me what I know think of as a very intelligent and cryptic warning. When I was in my twenties he told me that I didn't want to wake up one day in my forties and still be “floating”. Well, I am in my forties, I am suddenly awake and yes, whaddya know I FEEL like I AM floating. I am floating along wondering still if I am on the right track, is my plan, my outlook, my gut instinct correct? Is my opinion on where I AM in life right? Do I even HAVE an opinion?
This is what someone with ADD does. We provide voices in our head or maybe ALLOW voices (not bad ones... not schizo voices) NOISE to play on and on and get in the way of our ONE voice, the one that IS on track but is frustrated because it can't communicate to us THROUGH all the noise. So I ask myself all these questions because I am actually very successfully GETTING IN MY OWN WAY! I am the king of writing scripts, writing scripts especially for everyone I encounter. I want to be in charge so badly that I write and re-write what I think the people in my world will say to me. I do this before, during and after the time when I am listening to them. I don't listen, I start to hear their words but then it gets muddy and I start re-writing their words for them and worse... BELIEVING what I write!!!!! And to think I don't really like fiction!
So when Tom Cruise proclaims that ADD is something that is all in my head and can be cured by munching on a Flinstones vitamen, instead of standing up for myself and telling him to buzz off I question whether or not he might be right. I add additional dialogue to what he is saying, I have him turn and address ME... he says, “God Rob, why on earth are you taking all of this medication? You don't need to do that! Come with me... in my private plane and I will take you to vitamen mountain where we will nourish ourselves and be healthy and sharp and amazing and jump on couches and be best friends with all the celebrities you love... YOU are wrong, I am RIGHT and so don't listen to YOURSELF, listen to ME or anyone ELSE for that matter... I am afraid you are too close to actually tackling your problem so DON'T... you are so much cuter when you are unfocused... ”
WHAT? NO!!!! Shut up TOM!
Turn off the TV, turn off the doubt and voices that buzz and warble...
Do I hear voices?
Yeah, I do... I think everyone does but they just don't admit it.
But I do and I KNOW what they are... they are the voices I tune in when I tune mySELF out.*
Time to adjust the dial.
SO anyway, my lack of focus and my awareness that there was something wrong... STILL with me... all hit rock bottom as my partner and I were moving (hello... ADD nightmare) and also when in a state of exasperation and concern, started looking up books about ADD so that he could understand and so that I could also understand. I read these two books (see my links...) and it was like reading my HOW TO manuals. I realized that I needed to pull up the boot straps and get to work and get this ADD thing under control once and for all.
First of all, my medication... I asked my doctor about my dosage of ritalin and he said it was too low (possibly) and so all we did was double it. My first day with this new dose (yesterday) was noticebly different. The difference was that I was calm. As I type this I am calm. I feel productive. I feel focused and clear. Colors are brighter and everything seems to be in it's proper place outwardly and inwardly. So perhaps this is ONE solution. We shall see how it goes down the road. I remember when I first took ritalin I had a similiar reaction but then as my body became accustomed to it it didn't really seem to work as well, in fact it started to NOT work which was why I sought out a higher dosage.
My Doctor told me that if I felt I needed a stronger dose we would seek alternate medication.
The other thing I need to do or am starting to do is/was suggested by my partner, my prince... he said that the language I use in regards to myself is very negative. I am always saying how hard it is... you don't understand how hard it is... he says back to me, “you're right... I don't understand how hard it is because your life is not that hard. Ten years in a concentration camp is HARD.”
I can start giving myself pep talks instead of writing my script to make me feel and behave like a loser who is afraid to make any kind of forward move. I remember being really into Louise Hay and affirmations and all of that. Perhaps it is time to revisit that.
I am also going to find a support group.
OK. That is enough of a brain dump for now.
* I especially hear the voices... the noise when there is WHITE noise. When a fan is on or water running, I can hear sounds within it... it sounds like chatter or a radio station... it's weird.