I woke up this morning wiped out. I took my boyfriend to Little Italy for his birthday and we had martini's and chianti (excellent by the way!) but I got a bit looped. I was surprised at my behavior. I had been so calm the day before with the new dosage and all. Also comes the smoking. Once a happy SOCIAL smoker, I would proudly puff only in the presence of others who smoked and only occaisonally. Well, I think with smoking “occasionally” gradually catches up to becoming EVERY DAY. So I have been smoking now for quite awhile but in my attempt to control it I have been a bit successful in that I keep it to no more than 3 or 4 a day. But still, I know in my heart of hearts that could someday become my congestive heart of hearts that it is not not not a good thing for me to be doing. If not for the fact that smoking IS bad for you (although I still want to ask, “is it? The people in Europe seem to be doing ok with it... and they are still so damn skinny!”) the fact that this nicotine stick is just another chemical I am ingesting into my body doesn't help matters. In addition to this it is rare for me not to feel guilty every time I have one. It is almost as if (and I am perhaps on to something as I type this) that I not only get off on the nicotine but on the guilt as well. Ah HA!!! YES! This is IT. I feel at home in the guilt. GUILT is a comfort.
Sigh.
So my challenge is to either smoke without guilt or face the guilt and steer it away from me, re-direct it into something creative... are their things I know I should be doing but don't so that I can feel that wonderful guilt? Of course there are! Geez! Who started this guilt train with me? What am I supposed to do with this? Tell guilt to fuck off. Stop FEELING it? Guilt is creepy... it stands in the corner staring at you saying, “feel me, FEEL me!!!!”
Go away little guilt
go away little guilt
I'm not supposed to be involved with you
I know your intention is sweet
but my attention you should not greet
I belong not dwelling on you please go away...
Ok, that was a tad lame... but I DON'T feel guilty having written it.
Back to chemicals...
Yesterday was not a good day. I was overwhelmed. Yes, I have a lot to do and with a limited amount of time before we leave for Minnesota. Yes, racing against time either freaks me out or exhilarates me... it makes me hyper and that can go in any direction. But this morning I noticed that BOTH my pill bottles were out, the 20mg AND the 40mg and I am wondering if yesterday I took the 20mg by mistake! I tossed it. We shall see how I am today and so far so good.
So again, the chemicals... here are the chemicals I can put into my body on a daily basis... and it is no wonder I am not glowing in the dark...
ritalin 40mg
caffein
sugar
loratadine (allergy medicine) 10mg
pseudoephedrine sulfate (decongestant) 240 mg
Guaifenesin 600 mg (mucinex for my chest congestion for the last couple of days)
ketoconazole 200mg (meds I took for this skin fungus thing I have had... I know, pretty isn't it?)
So LOOK at THAT cocktail of pills!!!! And to top it off I toss back one or more COCKTAILS!!!!
And it is no wonder at all that “White Rabbit” is one of my favorite songs.