The idea of organizing and setting up a system has always delighted and overwhelmed me.
As I have written earlier I have always been obsessed with organizers. The word escaping from my lips makes family and friends roll their eyes as they have heard me talking about this before. I am the only person I know (aside from the folks I might run into at Franklin Covey) who actually TALK about this. I would talk about my system and how I loved putting things in their sections and how I liked to have it all in one place and blah, blah, blah. People had every right to tell me that I was nuts. Nobody would tell me that though. I can remember my Mom making fun of me. “Organizer!” she would say in a sing song voice as I was showing her my ten millionth new organizer I had just purchased. I mean seriously, yes, it is and was embarrasing. “You need a NEW one?” I would hear if I started talking about it or was out shopping with someone and we would be heading over to Office Depot. I think of Office supply stores like an alcoholic things of bars. It is a dangerous place number one, but it is a place to go to escape. It IS an escape. I have escaped in the ATTEMPT to set up an organizing system and many times I would really be ON to something but it would fail. It would bottom out because I couldn't stick to it.
I would go from planner to planner, leather binder to leather binder, monthly view, weekly view, daily view... it would be my constant companion. It would become my daily diary and it would keep me from doing ANYTHING productive.
How frustrating is it to be considered this very organized person when all along you know that you are just living this big facade. Nobody would even seriously question why I kept changing planners and calendars and why I had so much planner stuff stocked away. It was crazy and I knew it. I felt like I was sneaking over to Office Depot or Franklin. I would be out at the mall with a friend who was aware of my planner addiction and I would lie and say let's meet up over here because I want to go and check something at ANOTHER store. I wouldn't tell them that I was going to Franklin. I would even hide whatever I bought in a knapsack or other bag so they wouldn't see the Franklin bag.
Also, I was notorious for returning things. I would do this because I would have bought it out of some kind of funk I had been in or a major ADHD flare up (that I was unaware of) it is very much like alcoholism. For example someone who drinks has fun when they drink. I enjoyed stationary stores. I liked to go to them. I liked the smell of paper. The alcoholic begins to spend more time than usual at the bar. I would begin to seek out office supply stores. I knew where they ALL were. The alcoholic would recommend the latest and greatest beer or cocktail. I would suggest to a friend how to put their system together. The alcoholic wants other friends to drink with him. I wanted everyone to have a calendar too, a planner, a big fat planner like me. I suggested they visit Franklin Covey or get a dayrunner.
Before long like the alcoholic it becomes not just the drink but the ESCAPE. While other friends had left the bar, the alcoholic stayed and kept drinking. While others were off getting things DONE, I was still re-writing myt list, scribbling it out, throwing it out, starting over, devising another method of how to do it. I just went on and on and on.
The alcoholic is told that he is very gregarious and fun when he is out at the bar.
I would be told that I was very organized and had that kind of mindset. It was a good thing.
What those people didn't know was that I knew that I wasn't like that. I was hiding behind it. The alcoholic knows that he isn't really that funny so he hides behind the booze. He will then keep seeking alcohol to hide.
I knew that I wasn't that organized or that I was in reality just a scattered mess so I sought out planners because I really thought that they would make me a better more productive person.
The illusion of drinking is that it is fun.
The illusion of planners is that they make you productive.
The reality is that eventually the alcoholic loses himself and hits rock bottom and becomes obnoxious and intolerable to others.
The reality is that my lack of actually accomplishing anything frustrates my co-workers and family.
Jason is responsible for allowing me to see how messed up I am.
He didn't say, “you are messed up” but he sought my assistance in starting up a theater company.
I have great ideas. I have no idea how to make them a reality on a CONSISTENT basis.
Like an alcoholic I have my good moments. I AM the life of the party. I was the life of the party for quite a while with Three His and a Miss. But I got to a point where I didn't know what to do next to take it further and make it even more successful. Everyone assumed that I did.
With the theater company, Jason even made out a master plan. But I was unable to focus on it and really trust him. He was a distraction to me trying to sort out all my other distractions. He had no idea of this. He claims to be an excellent multi-tasker. I COULD be a multi-tasker but what I have to do is instead of keeping it all in my mind, I have to get it out on paper or on the computer in some kind of system.
This is where I realized truly that my ADHD was indeed preventing me from doing what it was that I really wanted to do.
The two main things about this ADHD thing and me is thus:
As I have illustrated before, I have a hard time concentrating because it is like I am a parent at a grocery store with eight children around me. They are all screaming and wanting my attention and because I have no skills to deal with such a thing, I can't possibly give any outside person my attention.
I overcomplicate EVERYTHING. Instead of a simple task, in my head I turn it into a gigantic intimidating task and so it never gets done.
It is all about simplifying.
And I don't mean that I just whittle it down to a tiny post-it note with three things listed, I mean that I have to quiet the screaming children in my head by sitting down at the table with paper or on my computer and just take the TIME to write down EVERYTHING I want and or need to get done and truly breaking it down into micro-movements, one bit at a time.
At first it seems ridiculous.
For example I need to have posters for my show. So I normally would just write down on my list, “make poster for show.”
No.
It would never happen.
It would eventually happen but it would take forever because the steps involved with doing that are all buzzing around my head like obnoxious fruit flies. Instead of making the poster, I am trying to pin down the steps.
So, I have to, in my planning session, break it down like this:
Print out bottom of poster
cut in half
put on poster
Bring poster to Davenports
Bring postcards to Davenports
DOING that gives me a much clearer idea of all that is really involved.
The problem is my concept of time and how much it takes to do certain things.
In my personal therapy and getting a grip on this I have to actually break it down into the teeniest bits.
Eventually I can train myself to perhaps not have to do this but for now and everyday, I have to do this.
Right now there are tons of things that need my attention and they are all up in my head.
I need to first label each of them as big chunks that need to be done, categories, project descriptions and then within those chunks, break them down even further.
It's mind mapping. It is literally rehearsing it before I do it. Taking the effort before I do it to really map it out will help me to do it. I will save time because once it is all mapped out, I will just be able to do it. It is like a game.
One way I have done this successfully is packing.
Packing for a trip used to overhelm me. I hated the night before a trip because I would dwell on HAVING to pack. In reality it takes ten minutes to pack when you know exactly what you need to bring.
SO what I would do is, the day or night before, I would make a comprehensive list of what I needed. I would count OUT how much underwear and socks to bring. I would rehearse in my head the day of the trip and when I saw what I would wear at various parts of the trip, I would write it down.
I wrote it ALL down. Everything.
I would then have the list, the action plan, the map.
I would pack in the morning and eventually was very successful at this. It was FUN to do it that way. I didn't have to worry.
So NOW with that as a success story, the task at hand is to now do THAT SAME THING with my life. The things I need to get done in my life.
Today I am going to take the time to mind dump it all into my omni outliner program.
Then I will sort it all out.
Then I will make it a map and a game and I will get it all done.
Seeking clarity is impossible because it is the act of doing something like making an amazing comprehensive list, THAT will be my clarity.
Also, it is important for me to choose words that are positive and uplifting. Words like crazy and anal retentive are negative. By making my list that intricate I will be focused and brilliant.