What I dislike about this blog the most is the fact that I am anonymous for the most part.
Why do I do this? Because I guess I am still covered up with this ridiculous fear of being completely out in the open. I am a classic person who truly CARES what people think about me in a very narcissistic manner. Hence, the title of my blog. YES. I AM self absorbed and I think that it is one of the MAJOR reasons I am so fucking stuck.
This blog is like postcards sent from a very uneasy vacation. I have been VACATED for years and years.
It's scary.
I have truly left myself behind or I have covered the real me up so much that there is nothing left.
When I was a kid I used to lay in bed at night or in the early morning and have monster drills. I would imagine that a big giant monster like King Kong or The Amazing Collosal Man was peeking into my window and so I had to hide in my bed. I had to cover myself up and make the tiniest little hole in the blankets for me to peek through.
When did the game end?
I have remained in that bed, under those blankets, STILL peeking. But not peaking.
So here I am in the middle of my life. Still stuck. Still stuck.
I wish to shift my focus to the bottom line answer. I know what the bottom line answer is. I am still closeted after all these years. Many of us who think we are out in the open are still closeted with heterosexism.
There is a church near my neighborhood and apparantly it's a gay friendly church. On the sign out front where they always have a scripture or message as you drive by, there are two small stickers on the bottom right corner. There is a handicapped sticker and there is a rainbow sticker.
So there we, the gays are. We are right next to the handicapped.
Not to belittle the handicapped, but it is a bit disturbing to me that for both handicapped people and gay people, they have to show us that we are welcome by these signs. It makes me wish that there would be signs out front that would say we are NOT welcome. This is what can urge people to make a change, honesty.
When there were drinking fountains designated for black people, that was pretty fucking rude and it pissed them off. They finally rose above it all. They were blatantly discriminated and they did something about it. But in this world, the whole gay thing is a very passive aggressive discrimination at times and blunt, ofcourse, the marriage issue is very blunt. Big loud “No”'s vomiting from public officials. But are we being pushed to the point of really, truly doing something about it?
What is wrong with us? How MORE pushed can we be? To wallow in the most obvious holocaust since World War 2... but a passive aggressive holocaust. It reminds me of stories I have heard about early American's killing buffalo so as to impede Native American life... cause starvation, devistation in an indirect way. This is similar to the way AIDS was handled. They just ignored it. They just hoped that this was God's way of killing us horrible people off.
People ARE pissed off, but we are also in a very controlled country where we are encouraged to be lazy and stupid. We walk around so concerned about our mobile phones. We don't even watch the scenery pass by anymore. We walk down the street absorbed in cel phone conversation and we stare at the little screen...
I am going to make a change. I am going to be just one more person completely OUT. That will be a tiny heartbeat difference, but it will make a big difference to me. My lack of complete honesty has rewarded me the same from the world around me.