I usually don't weigh myself. But lately I have apparantly been gaining weight and I can't really see WHERE the weight is coming from and or going to.
When I was twenty I weighed 135 pounds. I was a skinny little snip of a thing. I hated it. Can you imagine in this day and age hating being skinny? I was one of those people who would gripe and moan, “God! I eat and eat but I NEVER gain weight!!!” Yes, if I could I would go back in time and slap my own face.
Today, I weigh (ulp) 193.
So I am carrying 58 more pounds than I did 25 years ago. It's like I have gained slowly over time, 2.32 pounds each year. I am perpetually carrying around a third grader.
It was in my early thirties that I realized my Nicole Ritchie metabolism had come to an abrupt end. A friend of mine was comparing me to an old resume photo and commented that my face was fatter. (Nice friend huh?) I told him that it was “post thirty face puff” a term I had heard Carrie Fisher mention. My “friend” looked at me from across the table we were sharing at “The Golden Nugget Restaurant” and said, “Chicken Fried Steak face puff!”
It was true.
My wish to not be so thin was coming true.
Now I could eat everything I want and keep it!!!
My days of wine and roses was more like my days of Marie Calander Pot Pies and Gyros.
Sigh.
Now I am 45 and upping towards 200 pounds.
Could it be kharma?
I used to tease a poor girl named Penny Pepper who was the fat girl in school. I did. I was horrible. Horrible. Looking back on it, I was using her as a sacrificial lamb to keep people from zeroing in on me. The outcome was, nobody really noticed or cared but I got or must have got some kind of satisfaction from it. I was projecting my anger on this poor defenseless doughy girl. See? I still have to get one more stab! I know. I was mean, mean, MEAN. A passive aggressive shmuck. Sorry Penny. I am SO sorry.
So is THAT why I am 193?
To some people, 193 is nothing. After all, I am 5'11". But according to diet books and online sites, my weight should be in the 170's. Some of the sites actually tell me I am pushing obesity. Can you imagine? Me? Obese? Um, I don't think so...
So where the hell is all this weight going? I don't feel or look to myself like I am THAT much fatter... just a bit thicker perhaps. I have sort of all around gotten thicker like I have a layer of blubber all over my body. A thin layer. Or maybe it's dense weight and someday I will implode like a black hole.
I have to exercise. I loathe the idea. I wish I didn't. I wish I wanted to exercise as much as I wanted to blog or research GTD or sing Judy Garland or Barbra Streisand songs seated atop a piano in a cabaret. I wish I could exercise as much as I liked watching tv eating ice cream and/or sleeping. When I wake up in the morning I am very excited to have coffee. But wouldn't at all get hyped up to jog.
The only kind of jogging I do now is my memory. And as I jog THAT, I can't remember doing any kind of physical activity in the last few years.
I worked with a trainer once and it worked. I actually had bulk. I had muscle. I felt great. I had energy to beat the band. I could lift things and it surprised me. As I carried the couch up the stairs by myself I thought, “wow! Lookie what I can do!” And I wouldn't be out of breath.
I need people to encourage me to exercise or maybe join with me and be my exercise buddy. Go walking, running. Weight lifting (aside from my own.) I have the means to work out at home, doing all manner of exercises, core strength exercises. I have one of those big blown up balls which is a lot of fun actually.
But I need inspiration.
Inspiration to experience persperation...
Someone teach me to make exercise INTERESTING.