Writing in my journal was a religious thing for me. I did it every morning with my coffee. Presently I continue that ritual except now I have a laptop. I did successfully transfer from handwritten journal to computer journal (pre-web actually!) and now with the advent of blogging I am coming to terms with the idea of my journal being an open book. Yes, I know I can set my blog to be private, but there is a thrill I get to think of putting it out there now for people to read. I will most certainly STILL keep a private journal but I have been attracted to the idea of a publlic daily blog for a long time now and so now I am doing it. Slowly, getting my feet wet bit by bit and soon to dive in. It's all about trust and most importantly, trust with my SELF.
I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes I feel like I was one of the first people EVER to write in restaurants and cafes and eventually coffee houses when they became prominent. Yes, I know, this is something that has been going on for centuries, but I think anyone who obtains a spiritual connection from writing and does it in a cafe or coffee house truly thinks that they are the only ones to be doing this. I am remembering the year 1986 in Chicago before there ever was a Starbux. Where getting coffee to go was done at Dunkin Dougnuts. But on the corner of Chicago and Wabash in Chicago there came to be an establishment known as “Coffee Chicago”.
I am trying to pin point how I managed to get myself into this place and to discover this place and make this place a daily “fix”. I think my friend Allyson was the one who introduced me to this place. She was all about writing and drawing in her journal storybooks and we became writing pals, happy to just sit together and write and write and write, silently stirring the air between us and our journals with our hopes and dreams. I would most usually go by myself to do this. I loved “Coffee Chicago”. Now remember kids, this is when there was ONE of these places, not on every corner, in airports and malls every ten feet but ONE, ONE of it's kind. I had never tasted such strong coffee before. It was like an opium den. The smell would knock you over when you walked in and I would get my enormous cup of coffee, sit down and write. Another College friend Christa was a writing buddy as was my friend Lori. But what I most remember is writing by myself. People would think I was nuts to go somewhere by myself and write. The conversation would go something like this...
“So what did you do today?”
“I went to Coffee Chicago...”
“Oh... “ (not really knowing what this place and/or concept was)
“It's like a restaurant sort of... you can get coffee there...” I would feel ridiculous trying to explain this place to them.
There would be a long pause and an odd sort of expression crinkling their forehead.
“Who did you go with?”
“Nobody. Just me. Me, myself and I!“
Blink. Pause. Blink. Pause. Blink...
They didn't get it. Who would go to a restaurant ALONE?
I COULD! Duh... what's the big deal?
I drew a cartoon once about this experience...
We weren't alone. I could tell who was there for the same reason I was. I loved seeing the other writers and didn't mind that I wasn't the only one in the world doing this. But I will say, it seemed that we were few. People would study and read, but it was the writers that I loved.I loved my guru Natalie Goldberg. My friend Eric, also a writer and occasional writing buddy introduced me to her book, Writing Down The Bones.
I loved this book. She was someone just like me, like US, the WE who write.
Then ofcourse came Julia Cameron and “The Artists Way”. “
But as time goes by and the country is dotted with Starbux at every corner and I mean EVERY corner (even the original "Coffee Chicago” is now a Starbux) and in place of notebooks we have laptops... I think one of the things we were seeking, a thing I was seeking was a connection. First with myself and THEN with the rest of the world. And with blogging, even if just one other person stumbles upon me on the web, there's a connection. And to write with THAT purpouse now, is a huge step forward for me. I can still play alone in my mind with my thoughts and I can open the door a bit and let others, if they wish to do so, peer in.
I remember the first journal I ever had was when I was still in my teens, bursting to spill my thoughts, share them with someone, something... and I got one of those little hallmark journals with a lock on it. I HAD to have a lock because I was going to confess some very deep and dark secrets. Here's the excerpt:
Prologue
Monday, January 19, 1981
A fresh new diary is a nice thing. It’s blank pages await the meeting of many stories, insights, dreams and frustrations. The writer, the recorder of these passages awaits the happening of these stories. How will I the writer be living by the time I reach page 100? What will be in my past? What can I do to fill it and will I fill it wisely?
I decided to buy a diary because I wanted, I needed to write down my thoughts, my life. Will I write this book faithfully very day? I doubt it. I am glad though, that I can lock it. I put my trust in you diary. May your innocent cover drive away those who dare to consume your inside knowledge. Your innocent cover must make the enemy think that the contents are innocent, not worth reading. Little do they realize, this diary tells all. The word censcored doesn’t mean a thing to this jolly journal.
I don’t wish to make my diary sound pornographic but I do plan to tell a story in it’s entirety - uncut, unabridged.
Glinda the good state, “It’s always best to start at the beginning…”
It’a a beautiful day, a warm day in January, a sign of hope that gives a person good feelings something to look forward to - spring.
Many things are coming up in my future. John is supposed to call me, West Side Story auditions, London, Joan is going to introduce me to her friends. School is going well so far. 3.6 grade average is what I have. I am Robert Frederick Dorn known as Rob or Bert. I like to perform, all aspects of theater intrigue me. I am changing physically before my own eyes. Joan thinks that my sudden growth is due to my sudden opening of the mind - finding myself - being myself. I look forward to tomorrow. I am excited, ready and willing. Look out world watch me kick ass and get ass.
Oscar award favors - Timothy Hutton (Ordinary People)
Blue Lagoon (Cinematography)
Robert Deniro (Raging Bull)
Sissy Spacek,(Coal Miners Daughter)
Catch ya later!
Shit I just found out that this fucking diary doesn’t lock! It’s broken! I might as well write in a loose leaf notebook and post it around Harper Campus!
I won’t let a cheapo lock stop me.
Your not being very trustworthy diary!
Now I have to hope people will think that it’s locked… shit!
Goodbye!
Despite the fear of someone reading my journal, I did proclaim my homosexuality and cherished the fact that I could spill this part of my life into something that I would hold dear forever and ever. It was the first “friend” I ever told. It helped me crawl out of the closet and into my adult life.
But who would have ever thought that I would write a journal on a computer much less a portable one? Do you remember the old Word Processors? Can you imagine dragging that down to Caribou? I love change, I love writing and I love my blog.