When things start being affected by my ADD, when I begin to realize what and who and how things are being affected, I get very angry. I have always been one who dislikes being out of control. I hate having to wait for someone, I hate standing in a long line and I hate to be lost. So when I begin to see certain things that happened that I wish I could go back and fix, it frustrates me that I had to allow it to happen in the first place. I hate that I was “present” enough to have prevented it from happening.
In analysing and trying to help myself, sort of giving myself a review of where I've been, where I am and where I am going, the ADD takes center stage.
ADD isn't something that you develop, it isn't an excuse, it isn't a result of anything EXCEPT how your brain is wired. I didn't just get this it is something that I have had since birth. The lack of knowledge about this is what detered me from learning and growing. I truly always just thought that I wasn't as good as I wanted to be. I felt isolated and dumb. I knew I wasn't stupid. But I felt apart from everyone else.
Escape was my outlet. I escaped into plays and music and then even in pursuing music and theater as a career, I found escape hatches in there as well. Instead of going to New York to make a stab at Broadway, I convinced myself that it was better for me to be a big fish in a small pond. I set the dream aside. All because I had developed a habit based on my not understanding why I processed things the way I processed them of feeling like I was missing something. This made me terrified to try. I knew there was something wrong and I didn't want to see if there actually WAS something wrong.
It takes years of self hatred to warp you. And this hatred can be very minimal. It eats at you silently and then suddenly you wake up and wonder what the hell happened with your life. You realize that you DON'T hate yourself but you HATE the way you are wired.
So when the big day comes and you find out WHY you have been like this all your life, it's a lot to take in and you realize you have a big mess to clear up. You desperately WANT a quick fix but that is impossible. The only quick fix is to QUICKLY begin the process of healing. In the wake of undiagnosed ADD is a deep trench of low self esteem, sadness, lonliness, anger... all that sort of shit.