I was just watching Oprah and there was this girl who weighed over 400 pounds. She was just gigantic and immobile and lost... lost. She was totally unaware of her feelings. She let people tease her and she would laugh along with them.
I had no idea that I was going to be able to relate to this show until Oprah told her that she was over 400 pounds because in some ways she WANTED to be that weight. She wanted to be that fat so that she didn't have to engage herself with life. She had every excuse to stay home and to not socialize and to not go after the things she wanted in life.
And then the lightbulb goes off... here I am sitting here on the couch watching Oprah and I am afraid to engage in life too. I am afraid to do all of the things that I know I can and need to do for my career and I wallow in my ADD and in a way LIKE having a reason as to why I am so scattered. But I have known all along that it is just not the ADD, I know that there is something deeper involved.
I am afraid.
I have always been afraid to be completely me.
I am afraid to be an openly gay man. I have always felt that I had to keep that disclosed to some degree. I have always felt that what I put out into the world creatively could not BE gay. I had to hide behind a homogenous version of myself. It is forcing me to fear connection with other people and with the world.