The illustration to the left is something I did on Sunday. I was trying to get the worse case scenereo illustration of how my brain can get or how I percieve my brain sometimes. This is what I came up with. I am realizing that much of the “trouble” that someone with ADD can get in to is not just the act of being unfocused, it is the way he or she reacts to outside influences and people as a result of ADD. I have started on a new medication, Concerta and feel like it already is working. The type of medication that it is is that it WILL give you immediate results as it is a stimulant. It has a better means of distribution in the body than ritalin (although it is the same thing as ritalin). It's confusing and kind of creepy to be on meds but then if I wasn't on THIS I would be downing cups and cups of coffee on a daily basis (which I used to do). We will see how this works.
So, back to the illustration and the above statement. Most of my problems in life I can equate to ADD. I can see how my lack of communication which evolved into passive aggression, low self esteem, lack of trust in others... steered my ship into many problem areas. Most of the time I sunk deeper into conflict because I wouldn't speak up for myself and chose to be a people pleaser as opposed to saving my ass. So now I look back and see all the patterns, the problems and realize that the reason most of this is all STILL with me is the fact that I never truly dealt with it.
I have often felt like I have been left behind while everyone else in my life has moved on. I stand alone with my past, I am trapped in the past. How to get OUT of the past? Start digging, sorting, tossing, keeping... it's a purge of sorts. Because I never really healed so many of my hurts in the past, I NOW have to deal with them one by one.
At first this sounds extremely daunting but the more I do, the faster it will move along. Most imortantly ofcourse is to deal with the ones that shine the brightest.
I come from a family in which passive aggression is considered manners. But it's more than that. It's a fear of being truthful not so as to hurt someone else but to suffer imaginary consequences. As a child I saw my oldest sister who was also a parental figure kicked out of the house. I didn't understand the reason, I knew that she had been “bad” and that was about it. She was crying as she left. I remember some of her stuff fell and broke as she was carrying it out and that was painful to see.
I had another older sister who was very mean to me. She was always there to make me feel insignificant. She would tell me that I was skinny and gross and that I was effeminate. The worse thing she did was talk about me in front of classmates and regard me as her “fem brother Roberta”. This was when I was in eighth grade, clearly dealing with the fact that I knew there was something different about me, clearly knowing that I was gay. To this day there is a discomfort I feel with her and for the most part she is really not a part of my life. I talk to her on occasion and we have good talks. But there is always this tension hanging in the air. She is very homophobic and married a man who shares her discomfort. At one point I learned that I wasn't allowed to spend the night at their house because I was gay. Jesus! Can you imagine how horrible that made me feel? And worse off, I didn't stand up for myself and THAT was even worse. The sad thing is I could just shrug it off with a “fuck you”, but the emotion will hang there forever. I know that one of the things I have to do is confront her. Whether she understands it or not, whether she is even still connected to those feelings... it is just something that has to be done to soothe the out of control negative energy that my relationship with her has concocted.
I am going to be dealing with this concept of digging through my clutter with my therapist. I think it is going to be very helpful. The only person in my way now, is myself.