Having ADD in today's world sounds like an excuse. It is one of those conditions in which some people who don't have it just think you are lazy or stupid. Scatterbrain is a term that comes up. Well, THAT term is actually quite accurate. It's not a ditzy lovable Edith Bunker kind of scatterbrain, it is for the person who's brain is doing the scattering, very frustrating and embarrassing.
I have always said I felt like the boy in the plastic bubble watching another “me” out there trying to run the ship. If I could only connect with that guy and get a lifeline between me in the bubble and me on the outside dropping everything to read magazines as the house burns to the ground around him.
So I have been taking medication for my ADD. At first I was on ritalin. The effects of that at first were great. I mean, I was wired. And you want to know why I was even extra wired than maybe I needed to be? Well, because I still had my two huge cups of caffeine sludge everyday, drank diet cokes and hmmm, why not toss in a decongestant because of allergies... One afternoon when I missed an appointment because I couldn't find parking and I was running late induced by an ADD meltdown, I had a panic attack. My doctor looked at me with great concern and a touch of amusement when I told him all the crap I was injesting. He told me to stop the decongestants. I eased up on my coffee drinking decaf for a while.
Eventually I went on Lexapro.
Lexapro is good. It's good for anxiety and ADD. It was working. I was a different person. I seemed to be a more mature version of myself. I was focused and best of all calm and didn't lash out at the house being a mess or running late. I was mellow and totally in the moment. And then I ate french fries off of the floor. Jason brought home McDonalds and the bag spilled on the floor. Normally I would have erupted but no... no, man, it's cool... I sat down and ATE THEM OFF THE FLOOR.
So there ya go, Lexapro was my answer.
But then the side effects began to become obvious. No sex drive what so ever. And weight gain. A slow steady weight gain. First time at the doctor... 175. Second time... 186 and just recently, I am at 193. I have no idea where this weight is being distributed, but when I realize that the pants that used to ride on my hips are now riding on my stomach... eee-yikes.... let's re-think this.
So my Doctor suggested I combine wellbutrin with Lexapro. One will counter act the side effects of the other. Ok. Sounds good.
The wellbutrin bottle warned me of mood changes.
It should have also warned Jason that he would now be living with a psychotic asshole.
Perhaps I over-exaggerate but the first day on this regimin, I had cut my lexapro in half which could be the reason for my mood shift... and the wellbutrin, I have to give it time and see what happens.
I feel like a science experiment.
I KNOW I have ADD. I know that medication can help. But perhaps I am relying too much on the medication alone and not on actually concquering the ADD with daily tools and structure. I have to work extra hard at disciplining myself and getting myself focused and organized. All these years of being a Filofax junkie, I have to up the anty and make it work for me even more so.
So I am off to carve out a disciplined daily schedule. Wish me luck.