The Habit of Hiding

I was just on the phone with along time muse of mine, Lori Hammel (who will soon be having her own blog). We were talking about our lives, how we get from one place to another, how we make decisions, how we get in our own ways at times and aren't even aware of it. How others perceive us how we wish we could be and we aren't even aware of it.
One of the things I have noticed about myself in later years, with a perspective to look back upon, is that even though I am completely out and open and feel as if I no longer have a single secret, I am still in the habit of hiding. It has permeated my being. I don't connect with certain people because I have been used to avoiding truths and who I am, I have been forced to hide behind a mask and I resented that mask. The mask is gone, but the resentment still lingers. So it is all about tackling the resentment. The resentment is interesting because it is a strong entity that feeds upon my insecurities. The more I give in to it, the more it loops inward and continues to thrive. I end up resenting that I resent (if that makes any sense.) It is one of those “viscious circles.”
Acknowledging it makes it nervous. It has been found out. Signals are sent out and it works harder. It rolls up it's sleeves and tries to continue to convince you of it's importance. It wants me to continue hiding while it stands on the lookout.
I don't need it. It's worthless, extra nervous energy that I invited to linger. Being of no use, it had to find SOMETHING to do. It does me no good. Allow it to dissapate. Go away bad energy. You're bad for hanging around. You are bad because you are stagnant. You will be much happier moving forth and out. You will evolve into good energy. Actually MY harboring you makes you angry and negative. You want out like a bird from a cage. Fly, fly away.

A look inside my head
I have always envisioned the inside of my head like a big empty room (insert laughs here). I know... pathetic? Well not exactly. The thing of it is, it's a great big room, it could be a ballroom, like many old mansions that have such a room on the second floor. Surrounding the room are doors that lead to various rooms. BEHIND these doors are the various aspects of who I am. Behind one door is my inner child, behind another is the illustrator and the actor and the singer and the producer... and on and on. I have always felt like I had to keep all the doors closed and that I could only open one at a time. Little did I realize that all of the entities behind these doors can actually HELP each other. We can all integrate, collaborate, mix and mingle, meet and greet.
It's time to throw open the doors.