In tribute to how freakin‘ cold it is, I thought I would post a story I wrote several years ago while I was living in Minneapolis.
Cold Indifference
(In which Rob ponders his life Up North)
In the prologue to the classic holiday special “Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer,” dramatic music accompanies horrific visions of snowstorms with desperate people shoveling and shivering as newspaper headlines claim, “We Are FrOzen!!!”
The panic of such weather baffles me. Especially up here in Minneapolis. What’s more predictable than the famous Minnesota chill? How every Minnesotan reacts. Weather reports babble on and on about the cold as if it were a surprise. “Sure Wednesday was nippy, but Friday it’s gonna be REAL cold! You’d better be prepared for it. Make sure your bundled up!” Every time I hear it, I think, “Of course it’s cold. It’s Minne‘snow’ta!” To me, it is no big deal. I shrug my shoulders and think, “Well, what did you expect? Did you not read the brochure?”
The truth of the matter is that this particular year does seem different than previous years.
For the last couple of Winters the country has been at odds with that El Ninio... Pinta... Santa Maria thing. But as the rest of the United States went whacko weather wise, the Twin Cities sat in mild bliss inside a magical bubble. Instead of the weather outside being frightful, it was delightful! Health conscious folk ran around the lakes in tank tops in mid December while ice fishermen sat disgruntled along the shore watching the water waving and snickering at them. If it did snow, it was this measly soggy oatmeal that made pathetic snowmen, that stood hunched over, scarves and hats fallen to the muddy ground. Kids gave it their best shot.
But now Winter has returned to the Twin Cities with a vengeance. A dramatic, “Hellooo! I’m baaaack!!!” Sure, there still are people running around the lakes, but more like in a game of freeze tag. Jack Frost isn’t nipping, he’s biting! And you’re it!!!
Several years ago when I first moved up here from Chicago, I prepared myself for the cold. Of course Chicago was no tropical climate, but I had heard that Minnesota winters were strong and overbearing. I had watched many an episode of “Little House On The Prairie” and knew that I needed a huge parka and all manner of gloves and scarves that would cover me up and keep me protected. Friends thought I was overdoing it, but I found that once January set in up here, it was true! I didn’t have a car and relied on the bus system to take me to work and as I waited at the bus stop, I breathed in the screaming air and exhaled ice cubes. My eyes would freeze shut and my toes nearly fell off. Mary Tyler Moore throwing her hat up in the air... What was she thinking? You’d be sure she grabbed that hat right away and put it back on her head and over her ears for goodness sake.
It got to a point where the cold was humorous to me. I would stand on the street corner immobilized. Laughing at how ridiculously cold it was and laughing even harder at the bursts of steam popping out of my mouth and hovering in the thick air.
I remember once listening in on a conversation between my Aunt and my Mom. Doris was complaining about the wind chill factor. “I wish they never came up with that “wind chill,” nobody should have to know that it’s twenty degrees below zero!” Twenty? Try fifty! I had read that if you stood outside naked you would freeze solid in twenty seconds. Wow! I didn’t even want to find out what ten seconds could do!
Once you have experienced what fifty below can feel like, any temperature above zero is t-shirt weather. Heck, I’m hearty folk now. My Winter space suit where I only had a two by three inch opening around my eyes and nose to view the world hangs in storage in the basement. My heavily mitted hands that gave me the dexterity of the pop and fresh dough boy have given way to slim fit gloves that allow me to make use of ATM machines and the like. Why sometimes... I don’t even need to wear a hat OR gloves. Impressive huh? (I know you are thinking, “that boy is crazy!”)
Still, we talk and talk and talk about the weather. “Oh ya. It sher is cold up here, ya.” And family and friends always, always, always asks me about the weather up here.
Yes everyone, it is very cold. But I like the snow. I like the cold. Twelve degrees... five degrees... who even needs degrees! It can be so beautiful. The sunsets are amazing blue and orange watercolor smears. I love driving around the frozen lakes and watch the steam from the buildings billowing into the clear night sky. When it snows, opening the front door you hear that wonderful stillness and you might smell the smoke from someone's chimney down the street and you know that everyone is tucked inside safe and cozy. It reminds me of my childhood winters.
Of course, I could go on and on and still you will say like a broken record, “but it’s so cold. It’s sooooo cold!”
Well, pull up an ice block and sit down. Let me tell you, it’s all about survival. You have to have the know-how to make it through. You have to have the know-how to make do. You have to face the piercing bitterness with the fortitude of the original pioneers, the insight of Pa Ingalls and the enthusiasm of Yukon Cornelius! Wha-hoooooooo!!!!! And most importantly you have to make sure that work takes you down to Florida for a month or two come January!!! Hee heeee!!!!!