I went to see a “friend” in a play yesterday and afterwards we were going to go and have lunch. In fact, I had made the invitation as she had made arrangements to get me a free ticket. So I was excited to see her, she is very funny, we go back a long way, haven't really been THAT close of friends but in the last couple of years have re-connected and have stayed in touch. We are both busy people, she is just in town to do the show... (see how I LOVE excuses?)
So after the show, I waited in the lobby... waited and waited. Saw each and every other cast member leave. I had sent a card backstage, she must have known I was waiting, we had made these arrangements the night before (via e-mail)... I waited and waited and finally after waiting for about forty five minutes and sending theate personnel in search of her, a stage manager told me that she was in the shower and she would call me later.
(!!!)
I was blind-sided.
It was completely RUDE!!!!
Who the hell does she think she is?
And here is where it is the worst...
I TOTALLY TOOK IT PERSONALLY.
I left in an angry sad funk swearing under my breath. As I got on the phone with Jason to tell him what happened, I started F-wording all over the place not concerned one bit with the other people around me.
“Why does this happen to me?” I asked. “Why do I have such toxic people in my life?”
Granted, it COULD have been a mistake, SHE could be very sorry... but she also could have had some manners and if she knew she wasn't up to going out to lunch, SEND someone out to tell me and not make me wait. I hate waiting and I hate being stood up.
I also hate that I have to feel like somehow or another it was MY fault. What is wrong with me that made this happen?
What sort of karma have I created to make something like this on a sunny beautiful Chicago day happen?
WHY do I have to turn it into the worst thing in the world when as I am smoldering over being stood up, someone over-seas is getting shot in the head.
I get revengeful and hurtful. But mostly, I think it is something about ME that makes this happen to me.
I have always felt weird in a theater environment. ALWAYS felt like I didn't belong. When something like this happens it confirms my feelings. I am the outcast, the one who you CAN ignore and blow off. When a negative thing like this happens, this giant gateway of negativity unrolls it's rich red carpet and I step aboard. Off I go on the negativity train, spiraling downward... next stop low self esteem! Please do not lean against the door...
I remember moments similar to this in which I was made to feel like I didn't matter. Whether intentional or not, I FELT it and I OWNED the feeling and hung ON to the feeling.
Being a kid in the summer with the gang of other kids who locked themselves in one of the cabins and wouldn't let me in. They said I wasn't allowed to come in. I cried. I was so angry. I was so angry that my big sister was in there too and still they wouldn't let me in. FUCK all of them. Mean people.
Being a freshman in College and noticing across the hall that a bunch of people, “friends” and classmates are going out to dinner and are all excitedly getting ready. I hear them saying, “go get blah blah and blah and ask blah to come...” I stand in the doorway, I make it very obvious that I am across the hall and they DON'T invite me. I feel wretched. FUCK you guys too.
A misunderstanding with a friend in which I was supposed to call and then they would come and get me... I guess I had the wrong number... apparantly they didn't have my number... blame it on the cel phone kind of thing... hmmmm... right.
THESE THINGS HAPPEN TO EVERYONE.
When they happen to me, because I have a hard enough time communicating ANYTHING, I bottle it all up inside and it tortures me. Like a master screenplay writer, I devise scenereo after scenereo. I have screaming fights with them in my head. I blow up buildings. I pee on people... well maybe not THAT...
At my therapy session the other day (and you should ALWAYS follow a sentence about peeing on people with “at my therapy session the other day...”) my therapist explained a form of ADD as having ALL your files in the front of your head and not filed away in the back like they normaly SHOULD be... there, I said “should”. Anyone who says you must avoid the word “should” SHOULD go... you know what... where... how and when...
ANYWAY, when he said that, a big old lightbulb suddenly shined in my head... in the back of my head... the empty back of my head, exposing all of the cobwebs and empty file drawers... TRULY ALL of my memories and hurts and wants and disappointments, victory's... EVERYTHING is in the FRONT!!!!
So when I was stood up... the anger and hurt just got jumbled up in the cluttered front of my mind and my anger mostly was dealing with the fact that it was yet another thing to add to my pile.
HOW can I put these files away?
Where do they go?
What system can I use?
IS there a system that doesn't involve electro shock therapy?
Mean things should not happen to someone like me. I can't deal with it.
I was in bitch mode for the rest of the night and was in major ADD flare up mode.
It was almost as if the person standing me up unleashed THEIR anger on me and I took it and expressed it for the rest of the day. Ah... sweet hand me down anger...
Poor Jason took the brunt of it. HE was in a good mood. I was not. HE wanted me to be in a good mood. THAT was not a good thing. HE was busily making his (wonderful) pasta sauce. He wanted my attention. I was gone. I told him. I was lost and gone for the night. I knew that he was pissed. He was pissed at my poor filing system too. But he doesn't understand it. He doesn't know that I always have a huge mess in the front of my brain.
So, something stupid like what happened that afternoon, screwed up the rest of my day and I think... (if I actually have room to do so) that it has a lot to do with my poor little noggin being out of balance. You know when you have a file drawer and you don't have anything in the bottom drawer but the top drawer is full and when you pull it out to see the files, it will tip toward you... THAT IS MY LIFE!!!!!!
So once again, balance... creating balance... mentally I have to start putting things away. Perhaps writing about them and acknowledging them will be a good thing. It will take time but like any kind of job like this, once I begin, it will get easier and easier as I go.
So, roll up the sleeves and time to get to work.